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Rooney hits Space
While most of my colleagues have spent the past few weeks lamenting the lack of a British presence at Euro 2008, I've been left in a state of cataclysmic euphoria upon being promoted to the role of our very own 3am Girl.
Rather than spend my time regurgitating time-old discussions with regards England's purported lack of balance on the left flank and whether Ashley Cole's odiousness is contagious, I get to trawl around various salacious gossip sites to unearth whether Capello's commandments of respect and discipline are being adhered to as our nation's finest are given an extended summer break.
I'm thinking of taking the shears to my facial hair and cultivating boy band fuzz in homage to Daily Star scribe and showbiz guru Joe Mott, whose talents once triggered a Guardian journalist to write: "His byline on its own is enough to trigger my coveted puke-surge." Excellent stuff.
My first scoop, taken from various sources, none of which are my own, concerns Wayne Rooney's stag-do.
EXCLUSIVE
Contrary to widespread reports, Wayne Rooney is heading to the sedate and relaxing holiday resort of Ibiza for his stag-do, and not Las Vegas, as was previously speculated. My sources are telling me it's going to be quite some shindig, despite Rooney's protestations that he's looking for a 'quiet' break ahead of his 14th June wedding to childhood sweetheart Coleen McLoughlin, at the elegant Italian resort of Portofino.
Whether guest and close pal Ricky Hatton's interpretation of 'quiet' is the same as Coleen's remains a subject of considerable conjecture, given the Mancunian is known to consume his own body weight in booze as a post-fight relaxation technique. Manchester United team-mates Wes Brown, John O'Shea and Rio Ferdinand (just think of all that tomfoolery and 'mercing') are thought to have boarded the plane, as have Liverpool counterparts Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher.
My source also tells me the Rooney contingent are using Jonathan Woodgate's £800,000 villa as a boot-camp, while Judge Jules informs that dates at Pacha and Space are already booked. Wayne Rooney. In a vest. With glow sticks. That's some image Fabio. Bet he wishes his last meal with Coleen before departure wasn't, according to the Evening Standard, a gut-busting Chinese at Manchester's Wings restaurant. Think of the moobs Wayne, think of the moobs.
If some reports are to believed, and I consider the Khaleej Times to be an impeccable source, then Wayne and Coleen's nuptials could weigh in at a cool £5million; a revelation that makes Rooney's 'leave your wallets at home lads, it's all on me' statement of intent all the more generous. Still, it's difficult to feel pity for anyone rich/mentally unstable enough to pay Westlife £400,000 to perform at their wedding.
In the words of Rio, you've been well and truly merced!
I'm hoping to convince my editor that I should don trilby/shades and be jetted over to Ibiza to stakeout Rooney and pals, so keep checking Englandwatch to learn who broke Capello's commandments...
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