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Swede or sour? With no England at the finals, can finding another team to support have its benefits?
Expect emotions? I'm anticipating the full gamut, from agony to zzzzz (if Greece and Switzerland meet in the final perhaps). The tournament slogan sums up what Euro 2008 will be all about but I must admit, one thing I'm feeling at the moment is regret... something's missing and I'm having to use my imagination to fill the gap.
First though, let me introduce myself. I'm Jon and I'll be your resident fan to guide you through the tournament. And in England's absence, I'll be supporting everyone and everything this summer - I'm embracing Europe if you like, aligning myself to each participating nation in the hope that I can take pleasure in someone's success. Well it was either that or support one team and my patriotic, jingoistic, chest-thumping upbringing won't allow it. At least this way I can spread myself so thinly across 16 different countries that I'll resemble some awful Europap track (think Rednex, or that Russian bloke who won Eurovision) and be forgotten about by July.
I have some debatable credentials. I'll be heading out myself for what will be my fourth trip to a major tournament. I've seen the best international football has to offer (Spain 4 Yugoslavia 3 at Euro 2000 stands out) and the not so good (Spain 1 Saudi Arabia 0 at World Cup 2006 wasn't exactly a thriller). Plus I've been to Switzerland and Austria on several occasions - I was in Geneva to see England beat Argentina 3-2 in a rare friendly treat, I've followed my club Plymouth Argyle to Salzburg and the surrounding area in pre-season and I have washed down several platefuls of Wiener Schnitzel with the very best Austrian lagers. As anyone who has ventured to foreign lands in search of their football fix knows, the atmosphere generated in the host cities provides a great deal of amusement, particularly in German-speaking countries (perhaps surprising, but take my word for it - they don't know how funny they are).
Now, onto my regret. Having seen most of England's qualifiers, including the games away to Croatia and Andorra, I'm rueing the fact that we won't be involved this summer. There are pros and cons of course - I won't miss the kind of uneasy tension present in any town square in which England fans and alcohol are mixing in vast quantities - but regardless of what you may have read in the Daily Mail, watching England abroad is almost always a positive experience. Someone will spot your club shirt or flag and you'll become lifelong friends; someone will provide entertainment for the masses with a prolonged spell of crazy dancing in a dubious nightclub; or the locals will take you to their hearts and shower with you with gifts and booze (alright, the last one is a rarity, but it has been known). However, as to our contribution to the tournament on the pitch, I'm not sure England will be missed.
Since Euro 96, it has been somewhat difficult, to say the least, to take pride in the quality of our football. Michael Owen's mazy dribble and goal against Argentina in St Etienne; some Wayne Rooney moments at Euro 2004 - and that's about it. Yes, Alan Shearer's goal against Germany at Euro 2000 and David Beckham's penalty in the revenge mission against Argentina at World Cup 2002 were proper 'Innnn-gerrrrr-laaaaand' occasions but faded fast in the overall scheme of things. Perhaps I'm being harsh, but we've rarely lit up the main stage in the last decade or so and there is little to suggest we would have bucked the trend at Euro 2008.
But that doesn't mean we can't consider what might have happened. So I've taken the liberty of rewriting history to see how England's "assault" on Austria and Switzerland would have panned out. Remember, Steve McClaren would have kept his job and our rabble-rousing tabloid press would have raised expectations to such a ridiculous degree that only another 5-1 hammering of Germany in the final would have sated our appetite for glory.
Different
In an ideal world, I'd have hoped we could have avoided injuries and got the following 23-man squad on the plane - James, Hart, Green; Terry, Ferdinand, Richards, Brown, Lescott, A Cole, Woodgate; Gerrard, Lampard, Hargreaves, Beckham, J Cole, Barry, Bentley, A Young; Owen, Rooney, Crouch, Heskey, and Walcott.
(Feel free to pass comment on that squad by the way - I feel it's got a great balance with lots of back-up and different options... and I'd have Glenn Johnson, Carrick, Agbonlahor and Defoe on standby!)
If we were to take Russia's place in the draw, that would give us a super-tough start against Spain (I know, the seedings would have been different, but bear with me). My prediction - McClaren sends us out playing 3-6-1 (a formation made 'popular' by USA coach Bruce Arena in 1998) in a bid to solve the midfield conundrum. England finally crack their age-old problem of giving away the ball far too easily and boast a 70% possession stat in 90 minutes. However, the sideways movement is akin to playing six Ray Wilkins and eventually Xavi dinks a ball over the top for Fernando Torres to score. "Our passing was magnificent," grins McClaren inanely after the 1-0 defeat. Rooney is left so isolated up front that he dumps Coleen and announces he is to become a lighthouse keeper. Greece and Sweden draw 0-0 in a turgid encounter.
Onto Greece in game two in Salzburg. McClaren, inspired by repeated viewings of 'The Sound of Music', invites ideas from Dame Julie Andrews. David Beckham adapts well to the nun's costume (not much different from a sarong after all) and bends in a classic free-kick but after initial bewilderment, the Greeks equalise and see the match out for 1-1. Peter Crouch watches the wrong DVD and turns up as Dick van Dyke asking to play in the sweeper role. "Climb ev'ry mountain," trills McClaren, "till you find your dream. And ours is to beat Sweden. I'm very confident." Spain see off the Swedes 2-1 and sew up the group.
So it boils down to England v Sweden in Innsbruck. McClaren stuns everyone by fielding a fluid 4-4-2 formation which plays to England's strengths, and the team promptly canters to an exhilarating 5-0 victory. "I knew I'd crack it," chirps McClaren. "We've proved we're among the very best and I can't wait for the quarter-final. Bring it on!" However, it is then pointed out to McClaren that Greece have beaten Spain 1-0 and are going through as runners-up. With the rain lashing down on the Austrian Tirol, McClaren opens his brolly and disappears into the night. One month later, the FA appoints Fabio Capello.
Twisted logic maybe, but I've managed to convince myself we're better off without England.
PS Stay tuned to the Fan's Eye blog for a series of astounding features including 'Keep An Eye Out', 'Eye Player' and 'Mind's Eye'. Never let it be said we don't milk a theme for all it's worth....
Comments
Graeme Holmes (Crystal Palace fan) says...
The forthright comments of Jon are well worthy of one belonging to the Holmes clan. Keep up the good work but make sure that as a Plymouth Argyle fan, you let Crystal Palace gain promotion to the Premier League next season. Meanwhile, watch how many Austrian lagers you consume!
Posted 17:47 23rd June 2008
The editor says.... Haha, many thanks! No promises for next season though, it's every man for himself... J
Saeed Mohamed (Arsenal fan) says...
I am a Swedish fan and I'm cheering them to the final! I think we'll do good since we got Henrik Larsson back from retirement. I believe we'll go well even if we don't win Euro 2008. C'mon SWEDEN!!!
Posted 14:13 9th June 2008
Catrin R (Celtic fan) says...
Just a reminder, England has not beaten Sweden since 1968.
Posted 18:19 7th June 2008
The editor says.... Very true Catrin. Proof that this scenario was pure fantasy!
Fumio Kobayashi (Everton fan) says...
Jon-san... the excitement builds!! Live football on my TV again (here in Japan), after an absence of a month since the end of the Premier League!! Who's playing in the first game? It's usually the hosts isn't it?.. so must be Austria v Switzerland. Best getting that one out of the way early. Looking forward to seeing Robbie Slater battling it out with Marc Hottiger. Keep up the good work mate.. gambatte!! My tip is Portugal! Did you know Nani means What in Japanese!?
Posted 04:11 7th June 2008
The editor says.... Thanks Fumio, we all know the Japanese love their football so make sure you spread the word about the Euros! I expect Arnie and Ursula Andress to inspire both host nations - apparently Arnie used to be a left winger before he bulked up, while Ursula has a bad reputation for diving. Kampai my friend, kampai! J
Adam Upsall (Boston United fan) says...
There is a tournament on? You would be hard pushed to know it! Still at least the pubs won't be rammed with In-ger-lund 'fans'. I'm looking forward to enjoying the games without trying to work out how it may impact my trip to the finals. Because I'm not going. Thing is I bet by bedtime Saturday night I'll be checking for cheap flights and trying to work out how to get tickets.
Posted 21:28 6th June 2008
The editor says.... The UK is clearly in a massive grump about not being invited to the party - and the annoying 'who will YOU support?' trailers from a rival broadcaster aren't helping. Especially the bloke who says he's cheering for Italy because they've got Totti, despite the fact he retired from the national team after the World Cup. Oh well, don't let that stand in the way of a really tired old "joke" about fit Italian women. Now if only someone had been brave enough to say they were supporting Austria because of Christian Fuchs...
Johnny O'shea (Plymouth Argyle fan) says...
Good work Jon - look forward to more of the same. I think one clear benefit from England's non-appearance is the new found value of the office sweepstake. Ive been a part of these previously, and while half hoping that Morocco can somehow go on and win you the 16 quid, it really wouldn/t compensate for the heartbreak of another English penalty disaster if they did. This time though I can put all my energies behind the nation that fate has assigned to me via that folded bit of Post-It note in Jennie the receptionist's charity baseball cap. Russia incidentally. Maybe you could arrange one for your blog readers to participate in??? I'm sure we could trust you to do the draw... put me in for one.
Posted 17:21 6th June 2008
The editor says.... Great idea sir, the tournament is almost upon us and I'm not sure how we'll work it but will get my thinking cap on! At least supporting Russia is an excuse to drink plenty of vodka and do some of that Cossack dancing. Na zdorovia!
Robin Brown (Hartlepool United fan) says...
As a cricket fan and a football fan, I'm vaguely relieved we won't have to put up with the wall-to-wall footie mania followed by the inevitable limp failure. And I can concentrate on Ryan Sidebottom's slower one.
Posted 12:07 6th June 2008
The editor says.... It's a tournament for the purists - no one wants to jump on the bandwagon because there isn't one this year, so we can concentrate solely on the football. I will be at Trent Bridge on Sunday (if the third Test is still going by then) and will be canvassing views from my Dad and my brother, so expect some slightly misinformed opinions peppered with mild xenophobia (not saying from whom though!)
Colin Waite (Newport County fan) says...
I'm supporting Germany - true European winners... always in it to win it, with flair and skill.
Posted 18:28 5th June 2008
The editor says.... I must admit, the Germans threw off the shackles at the last World Cup and played some of the best football of the tournament. I'm a big fan of Mario Gomez and he's my tip to finish as top scorer. However, don't forget Germany haven't won a game at the Euro finals since their Wembley triumph over the Czech Republic in 1996, so they need to clear that hurdle first.
Carlo Corazzin (Bognor Regis Town fan) says...
Jonno! Great blog mate, haven't heard from you since you linked me with that move to Empoli all those years ago. I'm well excited about the Euros. Tell me, how do you rate Austria's chances of avoiding humiliation on home soil? Give my best to Luggy and the boys, Carlo xxx
Posted 14:50 5th June 2008
The editor says.... Basically they'll have to avoid defeat against Croatia and then beat Poland to have any real chance of going through. A tough ask, but it's possible. Can't see them causing the Germans too many problems. Jon
Badger Head (Queens Park Rangers fan) says...
Top blog Jon. Am interested to know your views on Benjamin Huggel's career as a landscape gardener prior to taking up football and how this could help his performances in Euro 2008.
Posted 11:21 5th June 2008
The editor says.... Thanks Badger. What a great fact - perhaps you can provide some more during the tournament, they'd be well received I'm sure. Benjamin Huggel was of course banned for six games by UEFA for his part in the infamous brawl with Turkey in their World Cup 2006 qualifying play-off. He kicked assistant coach Mehmet Ozdilek, which pretty much triggered the mayhem that follows. Not what you'd expect from the Swiss equivalent of Diarmuid Gavin...
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