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Bonny Bruce

By James Dall Last updated: 7th January 2008

Sorry, Steve

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Steve Bruce has his suspicions, Mark Noble is adamant that it's real and - watch out ladies - here comes the 'The Sunbed Kid'.

Often in football, quotes themselves are dynamite, and after trawling through the print media (a posh phrase for newspapers) we have stumbled across a few crackers.

Oh Brucey baby, how you tickle us with your no-nonsense response to banter.

Here's how the story goes: the matchday programme for Wigan's FA Cup third round encounter with Sunderland included a wonderful photo of Steve sporting a ginger mullet - glorious.

After spying the picture, one of the Latics players thought it humorous to display it on the tactics board.

There were laughs all round, of course, and Wigan did go on to thump Sunderland 3-0, but Bruce has since fired a stark warning to the joker.

"I don't know where they got that photo, but it was of a young, handsome centre-back from the North East!" he chortled.

"If that is taking the p**s out of the manager, so be it. I'll allow it on this occasion.

"I don't know who the culprit was but I'll find out, the b*****d. I've got my suspicions."

Noble next, then.

The West Ham United midfielder has been accused of buying some dodgy goods.

Goalkeeper Jimmy Walker spotted that Noble had purchased himself a shiny new Rolex watch, however after closer inspection things were not all that they seemed.

Walker was convinced that his team-mate had done a Derek Edward Trotter - Del Boy - and spent his hard-earned English Sterling on a fake timepiece.

Noble reacted strongly though: "I'll put it in a pint of water to prove it's real."

Too right Mark, you show 'em.

Who's the 'The Sunbed Kid'? I hear you cry. Well, shame on you, because you should know that it is Chasetown's Ben Steane (who apparently loves to top up on his tan).

Steane's cross handed the non-league side the lead against Cardiff in the third round of the FA Cup, and the cheeky chappy had a plan up his sleeve.

Chasetown went on to lose the clash 3-1, however every cloud has a silver lining, and Steane's comes in the form of a poetic chat-up line.

Pay attention fellas.

Steane explained: "We are all going out to a Cannock nightclub which has televisions inside and I can point to the TV when Match of the Day comes on and say 'Look, there's me on the box!' Not a bad line is it?"

Erm, I suppose not. Do you think he scored? Apologies for the painful pun.

There is still more ladies and gentlemen, but I'll keep it brief.

Lastly, we have Roy Keane's threat to his players that they face some time at a prison camp following their shocker against Wigan.

On what he might do with his team when the fourth round ties are taking place, he quipped: "We will be going on a nice trip alright. To a prison camp."

Cue Andy Cole and Dwight Yorke busting out in Prison Break-esque style.

This edition of Back of the Net was brought to you by James Dall.