'I was sitting on Jobs UK looking at what type of job I could and couldn't do'
Saturday 29 September 2018 08:18, UK
After making her return to the England one-day side this summer and enjoying a successful Kia Super League campaign with Lancashire Thunder, bowler Kate Cross talks to Kalika Mehta about her mental health struggles and learning to love cricket again…
Kate Cross burst on to the international scene in an England shirt as a 22-year-old and immediately set the world on notice of her talents, putting in a player-of-the-match bowling performance against the Windies Women in 2013.
Long before making her international debut, Cross was making waves within cricket. At the age of 15, she was the first girl to be accepted into the Lancashire Academy.
After becoming one of the first 18 women to be awarded professional contracts by the England and Wales Cricket Board in 2014, the seamer achieved more unique success as she became the first woman to play in the Central Lancashire League for Heywood a year later.
But, despite enjoying plenty of success on the field, the Manchester-born pace bowler was facing far greater struggles away from cricket.
In late 2016, with England Women set to travel to the West Indies for a five-match ODI series followed by a trip to Sri Lanka, Cross admitted to her parents and the ECB that she was struggling.
"I sat down and spoke to my mum and dad and told them I wasn't happy and they told me that's not what your life should be," Cross explained.
"When I took a break from cricket I remember thinking that could be it, I might have shot myself in the foot and might never play for England again.
"I remember sitting on Jobs UK looking at what type of job I could and couldn't do. I was looking at jobs anywhere, you force yourself when you're in those tough times to think about the worst case scenario but it's not healthy.
"When you're in those really tough positions and dark times you think the worst and I genuinely didn't know if I would play for England again."
After Katherine Brunt and Anya Shrubsole, Cross had become the first-change pacer and was beginning to look like a more than capable future successor for England's long-time opening bowling attack.
The Lancashire Thunder player had shown in her short international 50-over career her obvious ability and talent - picking up a maiden five-wicket haul against New Zealand away in Lincoln - but she managed just one scalp in the first two ODIs against Pakistan in June 2016 as she began to feel overwhelmed.
With a home World Cup a year away, Cross said that the thought of missing out on the chance to be a part of it gave her second thoughts of revealing her anxiety and depression.
When Heather Knight's side lifted the 50-over trophy on July 23 2017, Cross was sat in the sold-out Lord's crowd watching on.
"I sat down with the psychologist from the ECB (Mike Rotheram) and I said to him if I don't go on these tours (to the West Indies and Sri Lanka) then I'm jeopardising my World Cup place," she recalls.
"That is what happened and if it hadn't been a home World Cup it would have been easier to stomach but it was a really tough summer.
"You're sat at Lord's watching the girls playing in front of 25,000 people and you're desperate for them to win but equally you're thinking why am I not on that bench or in that team.
"That was a real challenge for me because you question the decisions you've made and if you've made the right choices."
The professionalisation of the women's team in 2014 brought many positives for the players but it also brought new and unknown difficulties for many.
Cross remembers the sharp change in expectations from the media and spectators - practically overnight - on how the women would play now they were earning money.
A poor team performance in the summer central contracts were awarded saw England beaten by India in a Test match at Wormsley - although the 26-year-old was the pick of the bowlers picking up three-wicket hauls in both innings.
And, Cross acknowledges that the fear of losing her contract - which was her sole wage at the time - also played on her mind as she took a break from the game.
"Our generation we always played because we loved the game," she said. "It was never about money or a career because it didn't exist.
"I was one of first to be professionally contracted and I was really proud of that but a lot of the girls I know struggled at that time.
"When we lost the Test match to India suddenly the wheels had come off, people had given us money to become cricketers and we weren't winning games. It was a difficult year for us.
"In the men's game if you lose your central contract you can go back to your county and you're still getting a good wage.
"Being a female cricketer there is a real fear because unless you're going to go around being a T20 specialist there is not much you can do about playing cricket professionally elsewhere.
"Robbo (head coach Mark Robinson) always says to us as a squad 'you are humans before you are athletes' and sometimes you forget that because you are a professional athlete all the time.
"It's not a 9-5 job where you can come home and switch off, you're on your diet, you've got to be training, sleeping, doing all the right things all the time.
"That is something I struggled with in the transitional period when it went from cricket being a hobby to being my job when we turned professional. That phase of life I found very hard.
"I'm very lucky to have been able to work with psychologist we have. He taught me 'you are not Kate Cross the cricketer, you are Kate Cross the human being' and that was a mind-set I had to change."
Even with the depths to which Cross had fallen, it took just a month for her to return to England set-up as she travelled to a training camp in Abu Dhabi.
It was a step too soon to pull on an England shirt again in Sri Lanka in late 2016 and she was left out of the hosts' World Cup squad the following summer.
However, after almost two years out of the international game, Cross earned an unexpected recall to the ODI side in the final match against New Zealand this year.
This summer also saw an enjoyable change in fortune for the Leeds University graduate's KSL side, Lancashire Thunder - who were coached by former Australian cricketer Alex Blackwell - as they only narrowly missed out on qualifying for Finals Day.
"I only had a month away from the (England) girls and in that time I had to work out if it was cricket that was making me feel how I felt or if it was external things.
"The last few years have probably been the toughest in my life but it has made me realise how much I love playing cricket.
"It has also taught me that cricket is not the be all and end all, life is short and I love doing what I do. I feel I have been working hard enough if I do get a chance to play for England.
"Even though I have been working really hard on my cricket there has also been a lot of mental strides that I have made that I am more proud of.
"I have the World T20 in the back of your mind but I've not played T20 cricket for England for over three years so it feels an unrealistic expectation to be selected.
"I take each day as it comes and if I'm in that World T20 squad I will do my best but if I'm not then there is more going on than just playing cricket."
And, after suffering through some of the most challenging periods of her life, Cross is enjoying life: "I feel like that 17-year-old again who was playing cricket because she loved it."
