Friday 24 March 2017 11:28, UK
Watching the Olympics over the last couple of weeks has encouraged plenty of soul searching for Elise Christie.
Seeing Team GB secure its biggest medal haul for over a century has proved to be a huge inspiration for one of GB's top speed skaters.
It has also led to some more negative thoughts considering the trauma experienced at the 2014 Sochi Winter Games when she was penalised three times and suffered horrendous abuse on social media.
As she prepares for a new season, the 26-year-old Sky Academy Sports Scholar reflects on Rio and opens up about her evolving personality and character on and off the ice.
I've never been much of a sports fan. This may sound strange coming from an elite athlete, but I've always found it difficult to switch off from speed skating. I don't often find spare time engrossed in other competitive sports.
This year, possibly due to maturity and managing my mind much better, I got excited about watching the Rio Olympics. I'm always cheering Team GB and always happy for anyone whose hard work pays off and they get on the podium.
Normally, I just find myself scrolling through internet results rather than watching events, but this time I couldn't wait to turn the TV on.
The weeks leading into Rio were great for me and I was surprised at how well everything was - I was so happy with my progress. Mentally, I was coping better following the death threats and online abuse in Sochi and struggling with high anxiety while training.
I had also made a huge step forward technically in my skating - my weakness, the right leg push, had dramatically improved. I was also on a different set of blades, which made me feel great.
Physically, I had also made huge improvements. I was skating personal bests in top speed laps, seven-lap time trials and I almost felt ready for the Winter Olympics strangely! The next one isn't until Pyeongchang in 2018.
Unfortunately, things took a downward turn. I picked up an injury on the day the Rio Olympics began. It wasn't major but I have struggled more with it than I expected. I suffered a more severe injury a year ago and so I was frustrated that yet again something else was interrupting me preparing for my Olympic dream.
At the moment, I'm trying to train hard while not overloading an injured quad muscle, and the balance is a struggle.
It's been frustrating sitting at home just watching the Olympics. It's reminded me of what happened in Sochi and brought up some feelings of uselessness. In sport (especially short track) there are so many things that can happen that are out of your control.
It has still been very motivating seeing the GB athletes do well in Rio. I really enjoyed watching my favourite Jessica Ennis-Hill. I was lucky enough to meet her through the Sky Scholarship programme and hear her inspiring story. Seeing her win another Olympic medal, not long after having a baby, has really inspired me to dig deep and get the best out of myself.
Every day I learn more and more about acceptance, acceptance of things that are out of your control. The truth is, I can't be prepared for the next winter Olympics unless I can fully accept what happened at the last one.
I often sit dreaming, excited about what the next Games will bring and whether I can be an Olympic champion.
This is often followed with a feeling of dread about what happened at the last Games and my 'survival' following the 2018 Olympics if I walked away without a medal and how I would live the rest of my life without an Olympic medal, as a failure to myself and everyone who has believed in me.
I was asked the other day about what inspired me to be an Olympian. The true answer is I didn't want to be an Olympian, in fact, it never crossed my mind. I loved school and wanted to be a forensic scientist.
However, after being offered the opportunity to train with the national skating team, my mother recommended (in the way that mothers do) that I go pursue short track for a 'little while'.
This progressed to me becoming an Olympian in Vancouver 2010 after loads of training and determination. But not determination to become an Olympian, just the determination to do things properly. After Canada, I was thinking: "Is there any point in going to another Olympics and getting the same result?"
I felt there wasn't, so it was make or break time for me and I decided it was "make time".
So I was better, faster, stronger, smarter and I believed. It's not that I believed I was going to win a medal, ever, but I believed there was no point skating around in circles unless I was going to try and I was going to believe I was equal to every other skater.
There was no reason I couldn't be better than my rivals, so I just had to make myself better than them… along with the help of the support staff of course.
Everyone goes through lows and highs in life. I truly believe that that moment was a high point of my life and a real turning point. Then in 2011 I had a big low when I woke up and my flat was on fire. It was the worst day of my life.
I had to rebuild my entire life, my apartment, my valuables. But the thing I really lost that day was my belief in safety and security and made me question whether there's always something good to come. That's what still scares me now about the next Olympics.
I know how much control the results of 2018 could have on me. The fear of uncontrollables taking over was almost emphasised by what happened in Sochi, and the security of having three events proved to be no security at all.
So that's what I'm working on right now, security in my life that doesn't all revolve around a piece of metal hanging around my neck. Finding a truer purpose almost, like something else that really matters - like my my moral fibre.
WHAT'S COMING UP...
August 27-28: Quillan Isidore, British Championships, Derby
September 7-18: Rio Paralympics
