Chants of a lifetime

skysports.com steps into the shoes of a Premier League darts player at Sheffield Arena.

skysports.com gets the Premier League darts player experience

"Your shirt is too big for you / Your jeans are too tight for you / Your bird is too fit for you..." I've never had a chant before. I've certainly not had one sung at me by a bunch of beered-up Yorkshireman. In a strange way it makes me feel quite proud. Allow me to put this in context. I've just come off stage at the Sheffield Arena where almost 6,000 people have turned up to watch Round 13 of the Darts Premier League. Before the professionals took to the stage, Sky Sports HD allowed a couple of journalists up to the oche for a special challenge match. This was my chance to step into the shoes of a top darts player and experience the thrill of playing in front of an arena full of people. My appearance prompted some of the fans to perform a ditty in my honour and while it wasn't the most tuneful effort I've ever heard, you can't fault them for accuracy: "Your shirt is too big for you..." Yes it was. I don't think they make darts shirts in size small. You could have probably fitted both myself and my opponent inside the Van Barneveld-sized tent I was asked to wear, but I suppose it added to the authenticity of the occasion. "Your jeans are too tight for you.." Yes lads. Spot on again. Although I think the XL shirt rather magnified just how skinny they were. "Your bird is too fit for you..." Again, I can't argue with them. One of the particular joys of the darts player experience is being led out by a glamorous walk-on girl. Shortly before heading to the stage I was presented with two stunning blonde models in sparkling dresses and asked "which one do you want?" This is the sort of question I'm unlikely to have the opportunity to answer again.... Eenie-meenie-miney-mo and I end up with a lovely Liverpool lass called Nicola, who you'll no doubt recognise if you've watched professional darts in the last couple of years. If the beery lads wanted to add another line to their song then "Your bird is too tall for you" would have rounded it off nicely. Nicola rather comically towered over me and my oversized shirt. I couldn't even take her up on her offer to borrow her high heels as they were two sizes too big!

The walk-on

I think high heels would have been a bad idea anyway. Before any great darts match you need a great walk-on. In front of several thousands of people the concept of walking along a short gangway and up some stairs onto a stage seems rather more daunting than it ordinarily should. I think high heels would have only made it worse. But with Nicola by my side and the cameras rolling, I'm ready to strut. As MC John McDonald announces my (to use his exact words) humiliation to the crowd and the sound of 'Chase the Sun' by Planet Funk blasts out across the arena, the thrill of the experience really begins. Lights flash. My face is broadcast on giant screens. People start chanting the familiar "do do do do dooo, do do do do doo, do do do do doo, oi oi oi..." and suddenly I'm up on stage without falling over. Job done. My opponent, Adam Gold from Zoo Magazine, has already got one over me with his choice of nickname. His "Oche Balboa" trumps my comparatively pathetic "The Whirlwind". I comfort myself with the fact that I've got a better chant than him. Once we're both in position it's time for our three-dart challenge. Closest to the bull goes first, but to be honest my only concern is avoiding humiliation. As long as I hit the board I'll be happy. When he throws a 180, Phil Taylor can stick three darts into an area the size of a cigarette filter tip from seven feet away. As I step up to the oche the entire board seems smaller than a cigarette filter tip. Maybe hitting it won't be so easy after all.

The match

Thankfully I had received some advice from the ultimate authority when it comes to tungsten tossing. before the match, Sky Sports' legendary commentator Sid Waddell told me: "Just throw it hard and firm, don't loop it." Sid was rather more helpful than Nicola, who pointed out that she would be standing a few feet to the right of the board and pleaded with me not to hit her. A dart in the eye could be very damaging for her career. With that advice reverberating in my mind Mr Miyagi style, my first dart flew straight into the treble four with a satisfying thud that echoed around the arena. Admittedly, I was aiming for the bull but it could have been a lot worse. A worried-looking Nicola edged a few more inches to her right, but somehow my effort ended up beating my opponent's even more wayward arrow. I won't spoil the rest of the match. You can see it for yourself on the video at the top of the page, but I'd like to think that darts was the winner. However, I'm not sure Sid agreed with me. "You looked the part kid..." he told me as I returned backstage at the end of the match. "... right up until you started throwing the darts."