Standing water

Bumble isn't too impressed with the weather, nor the name of Old Trafford's new stand.

They told us it was going to be absolutely scorchio this summer. Well that was a load of nonsense. I was at Old Trafford on Tuesday and it poured down all night. Lousy. Miserable. Depressing. We're going to Northampton on Wednesday and someone has just Twittered me to say don't bother. It's lousy there too. I've just had another Twitter: 'It's raining in Delhi. I think it's coming your way!' Fabulous news! All the rain means it's going to be a slow pitch at Edgbaston. People are saying that will suit England, but it will suit whoever picks the best team. This is a typical England seamer's pitch; you're looking for somebody like Angus Fraser who is deadly accurate and can put it on a sixpence because there will be a lot of moisture under that pitch. It's not a banging pitch so it definitely won't suit Steve Harmison and I expect him to be left out of the team, along with Monty Panesar. But if Australia can pick the right team they could be dangerous here. Brett Lee's injury doesn't matter because you don't need him on this pitch. What you do need is accurate bowlers. Mitchell Johnson has been struggling and a slow pitch won't suit him anyway, so there is a good case for leaving him out. That would be a shame for England. They'll be desperate for him to play.

Stand easy

I was present to witness the unveiling of the 'Bumble Stand' at Old Trafford on Tuesday. An employee of the club decided to put a banner on one of the stands because, in her view, I was "whingeing" during a previous game. Well, you obviously don't know me very well if you think I was whingeing. I was merely commenting on the imaginative names they have for the stands at Old Trafford: there's Stand A, Stand B, Stand C, Stand D, Stand E, Stand F, Stand G and Stand H. In fact, H Stand has been knocked down because of the development. I was reminiscing about a chap who used to sit in H Stand. We called him Draft Bass Harry because he used to drink a pint of draft Bass every time a wicket fell (in the early 1960s, Lancashire were invariably 90-8 at lunchtime so Harry would have to be carried out...) Perhaps they didn't like me going on about the stands because this 'Bumble Stand' banner appeared. I chose not to mention it on television or to have anything to do with it. Not interested. All I will say is to this club employee is that you should get on with your job, while I get on with mine. And a final word of advice: don't try and take me on!

Stand to attention

More news. Private Clarke was unhappy with his rank so I have shifted him up to the position of Group Captain. How did he achieve this promotion? The threat of extreme physical violence. That's the way to get ahead! The Brigadier has taken Clarke under his wing and is trying to knock him into shape. Meanwhile, Clarke's former office has now been passed to Private Dave Macca of Bulgaria. He doesn't know about this yet, but it's a step on the ladder for the lad.

Out of this world

So Andrew Flintoff has been using NASA technology to get fit for the third Test? He's certainly been to the moon a few times has Freddie. If it works one per cent then I think it's definitely worth a go, although we didn't have anything like it back in my day. A bit of a rub and a bit of a spray would do for us... and a bit of Algipan if we were lucky.

Bumble answers your questions...

Send your questions to Bumble by filling in the feedback form below. Or you can mail them in by e-mailing skysportsclub@bskyb.com SAGGY MEAN CAPS
Bumbledore. In the past the Aussie bowlers always targeted the England captain. I can remember the likes of Mike Atherton and Nasser being peppered with some pretty hostile stuff during their stint as skipper. Do you think that Mitchell Johnson, Peter Siddle and co are mean and nasty enough? None of them seem to have the passion that Freddie was showing when he was firing down at 90mph plus. Steve Alford BUMBLE SAYS: Agreed. Glenn McGrath was Mr Mean and they just haven't got anyone like him any more. It doesn't help that their main man is way off the pace either. They weren't expecting Johnson to be firing all over the place and that has really scuppered them. With one strike bowler underperforming and Lee injured, that's their strategy gone. And these days they don't have Shane Warne to fall back on, it's as simple as that. MEASLY FEES
Hi David. Andrew Flintoff won the man of the match at Lord's and received a comparatively measly £2,500 for his Herculean efforts. The money for the man of the match has remained basically the same for a couple of decades, why has it not gone up, considering the wealth on offer for Twenty20? Surely it should be at least £10k for winning a Test match? Best regards, Tony Sparkes BUMBLE SAYS: I agree with everything you are saying. They need to get parity with the one-day biff-and-bash or else players will leave Test cricket. Why would they want to spend five days slogging their guts out when they can totter around for 20 overs and earn an enormous amount of money? People will look at £2,500 and say it's a good sum of money, but in the context of what the game generates it is absolutely measly. Derisory, in fact. As I've said before, chief executives are running the game and ensuring pitches are dead as a doornail to maximise revenue. We need pace and bounce and pitches that provide a thrill for one set of people: the spectators. If the game finishes in three-and-a-half days, so be it, because we want excitement. We don't want a back-breaking effort for the bowlers for five days because that suits nobody apart from the businessmen. The fact the players aren't paid enough just compounds it.

Bumble's jukebox

Last week's answer was 'Blinded by the Light', a song written by Bruce Springsteen - but it was Manfred Mann's Earth Band who had a hit with it. See if you can work out what I've been listening to this week. "I don't need pleasure / I don't feel pain / If you were to knock me down / I'd just get up again." I'll reveal the answer next week...