With plenty of rugby books set to find their way into Christmas stockings, we review the ones that didn't make it onto the shelves.
A collection of novels that won't be wrapped up this Christmas
Any self-respecting Christmas tree will think itself accursed if it did not offer shelter to a rugby tome or two, and heaven knows there are plenty out there. But what of the ones that didn't make it onto the shelves?
Our team of investigative journalists has cracked the safe at
Fibber & Fibber to bring you a sneak peek at some of the rugby titles that didn't make it past the Editor...
How to Train for Rugby by Not Playing Rugby
By Graham Henry (with a foreword by Eddie O'Sullivan)
Pitch: New Zealand coach Graham Henry, the wisest of the 'three wise men', puts forward his ground-breaking thesis on how one should prepare rugby players for rugby. In a nutshell, this unique approach involves no playing of rugby. Henry goes on to apply this method to all manner of things. Learning to drive? Stay away from all wheeled vehicles. Want to ace your exams? Steer clear of books on the subject. Preparing a nice Sunday roast for the family? Don't touch the oven, just serve up undercooked fare.
Editor's verdict: This is the most ludicrous concept I have ever come across, it simply won't sell.
How I Won My Second World Cup All By Myself
By Lawrence Dallaglio (with a foreword by Mike Catt)
Pitch: From his unique vantage point on the England bench, international superhero Lawrence Bruno Nero Dallaglio gives his account of how he single-handily clinched the 2007 Rugby World Cup. It's a James Bond-esque tale of one man's battle to save the skins of the mere mortals that clutter around him. The book features pages of glossy photos of the celebrated author, including several fold-out prints that allow for his big head to be displayed in all its glory. True to his Roman roots, LBND also gives readers handy tips on how to stab someone in the back in public - be it on the floor of the senate or in print.
Editor's verdict: I like the concept - pity England didn't win. Can we not tweak it slightly so that LBND's incredible heroics are ultimately scuppered by dark forces over which he has no control. Call it, say, something like 'Lawrence Dallaglio - It's in the Blood: My Life'.
Simply the Best
A Eulogy to Excellence
Pitch: A celebration of New Zealand's amazing victory at the 2007 Rugby World Cup. We trace the path the hallowed 'Invincibles' took through France and Wales as they fulfilled their destiny in becoming the greatest team of athletes that has ever graced the world. The book is accompanied with a glass phial containing earth scooped from each pitch that the men-gods trod on their way to ultimate glory, blessed be their celestial toes.
Editor's verdict: No. We had a very similar book printed and ready to go back in July and the landfill is already full. Besides, the French just won't get it.
Danny Cipriani's Guide to Getting Girls
By Danny Cipriani
Pitch: England's saviour-in-waiting, one half of one half of the Cheeky Girls, gives us his top tips on how to pull the birds. You might not share Danny's boyish good looks or have his towering self-belief, but his advice will have you oiling your way across the floor in no time. Using his dealings with Stuart Barnes as an example, Danny also offers advice on how to keep lovelorn suitors at bay.
Verdict: I'm afraid his disciplinary record will count against him, he recently get penalised for tackling the man without balls
(surely 'the ball'? - ed).
We Know Better
An Anthology of South African Wisdom
Pitch: A unique compilation of the musing of Springbok fans. The book takes the shape of an open forum and covers such topics as 'Why We Will Not Win in France', 'Jake White Doesn't Know What He's Doing', 'Why Did Jake White Pick That Guy - He's Kak', 'Leaving Luke Watson At Home Is A Huge Mistake' and 'I Could Pick A Better Side In My Sleep'.
Editor's verdict: Nice concept, seems a pity that the Boks won. How about the same sort of concept by the very same authors under the title 'I Never Said That - I Think Jake White is the Greatest and I Always Knew We Would Win', it should be very easy to put together.
How to Fix Things that Aren't Broken
By the International Rugby Board
Pitch: A fascinating insight into how the IRB decided to introduce, at great expense, a number of exciting new laws that will make rugby less of a tired old battle of heart and nerve and sinew and more of a wonderful, glitzy, all-out adventure sport - think basketball on grass! Isn't that great? Not only that, introducing new laws to a sport that already confuses about 95 per cent of the world population will only enhance the game's global appeal - somehow.
Editor's verdict: This is too depressing for Christmas, let's publish when the global recession hits next year.
Passchendaele - I was There or
The Smell of Death
By Anton Oliver
Pitch: New Zealand hooker Anton Oliver knows how it felt to fight and die in the mud of Passchendaele - he knows because he lost a game of rugby. Here, using his trademark thesaurus-inspired style, he gives his first-hand account of the monstrous month-long stalemate that claimed the lives of over 700,000 young men.
Editor's verdict: I'm not touching this with a bargepole - this guy needs to get a grip.
Poundstretching - The Construction of a Rugby Team
By Cecil Duckworth
Pitch: Worcester chief Cecil Duckworth shows how careful management and tightly-knit performance-related pay contracts ensure that a Guinness Premiership club can sign a raft of big-name World Cup stars from New Zealand and Australia in one pop, yet remain well within the Premiership salary cap.
Editor's verdict: Think we might have to leave this one until Worcester start producing results and the club is forced to pay out those win bonuses. Might be more of a story if the club wins so much that the salary cap is, in fact, shattered after all, and then we could see how they deal with it.
Zen and the Art of Coaching a National Rugby Side
By Brian Ashton
Pitch: Ashton shows that rugby coaching is not all about shouting, chewing gum, laptops and hairdryer arsenals, as he lifts the lid on his World Cup method of not really talking to the players all that much or imposing a tactical will upon the team, but rather encouraging players to seek enlightenment and togetherness for themselves harnessing the energies of the moments on the pitch and meditative reflections through the medium of autobiographical writing.
Editor's verdict: Zen's been done before. Anyway, they lost.
