The Australian one-eyed pundit previews England vs Australia at Twickenham
Friday 23 November 2018 22:49, UK
The Australian one-eyed pundit previews Saturday's Quilter International between England and Australia, live on Sky Sports...
Dear England fans,
Apparently Thursday marked 15 years to the day since you won the World Cup. Happy anniversary, but I think we can all agree it's time to move on. The only other fanbase still obsessed with how good they were in 2003 is Arsenal, and in their defence, at least they didn't knight their coach for winning the title.
Something you all seemed to have missed was that June marked the 20-year anniversary of the time we beat you 76-0 in Brisbane. What gift do you get someone for a 20-year anniversary? Let's go with wood to match the spoon you almost got in this year's Six Nations. Thank God for Italy.
Live International Rugby Union
Since that 2003 title you lot have become progressively worse at World Cups. In 2007 you made the final but were comfortably beaten, and four years later you were knocked out at the quarter-finals. Then in 2015 you didn't even make it out the pool stages! I see the RFU want to bid for the 2031 World Cup, and no wonder; it may be the only way to guarantee qualification by then.
Who was it that sent you crashing out of the World Cup in your own backyard in 2015? I think his name was Bernard Foley. Slotted 18 points from the boot that day but also scored two tries. That's the difference between our nations; our fly-halves aren't just there to kick drop goal after drop goal.
But that's ancient history now, so let's look at November. You guys got your autumn campaign off to a great start against the Springboks. It was outside the Test window so they weren't allowed to pick any of their players who play in the Premiership - lucky, then, that you guys managed to find 23 Premiership players not on duty that weekend.
You successfully beat those muzzled Boks by a single point thanks to an incredibly dodgy call from the referee, after which you lectured South African fans on the importance of rugby's oldest mantra: the referee's decision is final.
Then a week later the rest of the world watched with glee as you not only forgot your own advice, but the offside law as well. The sum total? Yet another loss to the All Blacks - any danger of a knighthood for Stuart Lancaster for that win in 2012?
Then came Japan. What was Eddie's advice to his former team ahead of the game? "Pray, pray, pray. Go to the temple and pray. Just pray, it's the best thing. We're going to be absolutely ruthless."
The English weren't exactly ruthless, but definitely toothless. Your team went into half-time five points behind the country ranked 11th in the world, and were incredibly lucky to only be five points down at that.
Jones' own prayers for a miracle were answered in the form of Owen Farrell - a deity in the sense that you can't see his arms wrapping in a tackle, you just have to have faith. And how refreshing it was to watch an England team rely so heavily on a fly-half to scrape a win…
But win you did, and that sets up your battle with us quite nicely. How do you think your team will get on? And just how many times will Eddie Jones ignore the advice of his medical staff and pick Manu Tuilagi? The poor guy is one injury away from being carried around the field by the lads from Weekend at Bernie's.
Smacks of desperation, which seems to be a theme for Jones these days. It's similar to when he drafted Ben Te'o back after just 28 minutes of rugby all season. Must fill the rest of the squad with great confidence when he does that.
Anyway, good luck to your mob on Saturday. It'll either be an Australian win, or an England victory masterminded by an Australian. Who knows, one of these days you guys might be good enough to get things done on your own.
Warmest regards,
Australia
