Mark Steel

Comedian, author and Crystal Palace fan Mark Steel remembers Alan Ball and tears caused by Gerd Muller.

Comedian and author Mark Steel remembers Crystal Palace's 'catatonic trance'-inducing displays and tears caused by Gerd Muller

Melancholy, a very British mindset. Some might call it pessimism, some might call it realism and, as with most aspects of life, it can be applied to the sporting world - football in particular. It is an element of the Beautiful Game. While celebrating the good times, supporters will constantly remind themselves that a cup upset, relegation, star player sale or, in the 21st Century, administration could be lurking around the corner. That is what football is all about, as brilliant comedian, author, broadcaster and Crystal Palace fan Mark Steel is well aware. Steel said at the beginning of our interview: "I remember thinking a while ago when we were in the Premier League, 'These are the glory years, this is going to go downhill from here'." Not a totally inaccurate assessment. Steel's confidence in Palace may have been dented, but, ahead of the beginning of his latest UK stand-up tour on 26th January, that has not damaged his passion for his beloved club and he was happy to tell skysports.com how it all began.

Crystal Palace

I didn't really support a team as a kid. There just didn't seem to be anyone who it was right to be that loyal to. I moved up to Crystal Palace from Kent when I was about 18-years-old and drifted into it from there. You go along a few times and the next thing you know you're in a catatonic trance and making the lives of everyone around you a misery because you have lost. I get worse as I get older. It's awful. My poor missus, she just looks at me forlornly. It doesn't make any difference if you win or lose, you're still unbearable even if you win (laughs). I live a brisk, five-minute walk to Selhurst Park so there is no excuse for not going to matches. It's a sense of duty. My lad has stopped going because he is 14 now and, especially this season, he says, 'Dad, I don't want to go tonight, I'm just fed up of seeing us lose'. But we won 3-2 the other day and it was a brilliant game, so he felt a bit silly for that.

'Drifted in'

I really can't remember. If I was in Croydon or something and was on my way home, I'd think, 'Oh brilliant, Palace are at home, I'll wander in to see the game'. There were times when you could get there half-an-hour from the end of the match and the bloke would let you through the turnstiles. My Dad didn't support anyone so I suppose it is a bit unusual. People claim, 'Oh yeah, I remember going when I was about four' and all that sort of thing. What did the Fever Pitch thing for me of bonding me with my Dad via sport was cricket. I always loved watching football, but Kent cricket club did it for me. I can name every player and every reserve player from Kent cricket club in the early 1970s. It probably wasn't until my early 20s that I added Palace to the list of sporting institutions that drive me mad.

Alan Ball/George Best

I loved Alan Ball as a kid. I'm too young to remember the 1966 World Cup final, but I loved him. I don't know why. There was something about him. It is probably absolutely irrational, as most things in sport usually are. I suppose I could say George Best as well. I was just slightly too young to remember the fine years of Best, but there was something just wrong about him and I loved that. When I was about 12, I absolutely loved Alex Higgins. Best was similar to Higgins in so many ways it is actually spooky.

1970 World Cup

I was born in 1960 and so when I started following football in about 1968/69, England were the world champions. When we went to the World Cup in 1970, I believed that England would probably win, or at least have a very good chance. I remember the whole country thinking about winning and that we would win the World Cup again. Therefore when we went 2-0 up against West Germany, that night was engraved in my memory. I remember sitting on the settee watching with my Mum and Dad. When we went 2-0 up I was talking with my Dad, all excited, about whether he thought we would beat Italy in the semi-final. Dad said, 'hang on, we haven't won this yet'. And then when it went wrong I sank into more and more of a state until I was just a gibbering wreck. When it was 2-2 and it seemed obvious that Germany were going to win my Mum sent me to bed. But I could still here the commentary in the background, it wasn't that big a house, and I heard (adopting a David Coleman impression) 'Muller for Germany'. I howled my guts out.

Gerd Muller

It's not his fault. It was his perfect right to score the goal for West Germany that took them to the semi-final, but he made me cry. I can't forgive him for that. Do you still cry when it comes to football? No, not when things go wrong. But I'm still sentimental enough if things go well. I would still get emotional if Palace got to... I was going to say if Palace got to the FA Cup final. But, to be honest, if Palace managed to scrape a draw against Barnsley, I think that would be emotional enough to set me off.

Jumpers for goalposts

No, I'm really not very good. I've never played it competitively. I had a kick-about in the park, I know how to trap a ball and I know how to cross it vaguely near the person who it is aimed at. But I've never been good enough to play for a proper team. Maybe as a goalkeeper. My son is goalkeeper at school and maybe I might have been alright. I play cricket a lot, I was in a table tennis league, but I've always been bloody useless at football.

Mike Yarwood

It was because it was my Dad's 50th Birthday. He did impressions of Harold Wilson and Brian Clough and all that sort of thing. I already knew I loved the idea of comedy by then, I had already made my mind up. We didn't have much choice about going to see Mike Yarwood, but I loved it. He was on Yarmouth pier and it was brilliant. For tour dates and more information, visit Mark Steel's official website at www.marksteelinfo.com