Quotes of the year

Alex Dunn sorts the quips from the quibbles to bring together the best sporting verbal sparring of the year.

"Whenever I watch him play, to me David Luiz looks like he's being controlled by a 10-year-old in the crowd on a PlayStation." Sky Sports pundit Gary Neville offends all 10-year-olds with access to FIFA 12. "Gary was a fantastic defender but I have nothing to say about his opinion. It's a stupid approach to an opinion, but if that's the way he wants to take the game, that's ridiculous." Andre Villas-Boas is more a Pro Evolution man. "I saw, from 10 metres, a table full of drugs." An ordinary day in the life Mario Balotelli, as he pops back to Italy to meet a Mafioso boss. "Very good win gays!" Arsenal's Andre Santos wins the gong for best Freudian Tweet of the Year. "My favourite book is Lord of the Rings, although I haven't read the book, I have watched the films. The book must be good because the films are so good." Darren Mackie is named as the new 'reading champion' at Meldrum School, Scotland. For the love of God... "He says he didn't see me or hear me but he's two bob he is, two bob." Clive Allen puts his dukes up to Arsene Wenger. "I shook the hand of the manager and the assistant manager. How many people do I need to shake hands with? Is there a prescription?" A typically withered riposte from Wenger. "I saved your club in 2005 and 2007 when nobody else would. The rebuilding of Leeds United is a bit like sex. In an age of instant gratification, Leeds United is having a long, drawn-out affair with plenty of foreplay and slow arousal." Ken Bates tests the gag reflex. "Benni McCarthy was a big fat mistake. It could be worse as across the river Fernando Torres, at £50million, remains as thin as two yards of pumpwater and has not scored either." Karren Brady borrows Siralun's favourite phrase in getting shut of Benni McCarthy. "Nice of him. But Benni, I'm meant to have t***, you aren't!" Brady responds to being called 'the devil with t***' by McCarthy. "It's not like she had her legs open or anything." The father of Donny Dog, aka Tracy Chandler, defends his daughter's modesty after she was sacked by Doncaster Rovers for posing in a lingerie shoot. After SSN's intervention she was reinstated... "I do not honestly know what is really happening in Libya at the moment but it must be very hard for Gaddafi and his family." El-Hadji Diouf comes round after his lobotomy. "I'll offer him a glass of white wine as I know he likes red." Ian Holloway gets the booze in ahead of Sir Alex's visit to Bloomfield Road. "We need to keep our head and show our balls." Adil Rami shares an interesting tactic ahead of Valencia's clash with Chelsea. "We were arranging next weekend. He was coming up to stay at my house with his wife and we were going up to various charity dinners on Friday and Saturday. We left the studio at half past two and I walked over to Old Trafford to go and watch Newcastle. I shook his hand and said, 'see you next weekend' - and unfortunately I won't." Alan Shearer digests news of Gary Speed's tragic passing."It borders on abuse, but I can't help where I was born." Steve Bruce. Yup, we'd say 'Fat Geordie b******' probably qualifies as abuse. "At Didier's age, he has nothing left to prove as a player. He will go where he is offered the most money. It could be the United States, Russia, Qatar or somewhere else in Asia. Once you are well into your thirties you have to go to a club where you can be certain you'll be able to pay your bills..." As the public sector go to the streets in protest at pension cuts and the nation's elderly wonder how they'll be able to afford escalating fuel costs this winter, spare a thought for Didier Drogba who has to get by on a mere £6million-a-year. "The boss says if I can lose all the puppy fat I have and get my positioning right, he's going to extend my deal. By Christmas I'll be ready. It's a massive difference from training once a week to training every day. It says it all that after one month I've lost a stone. I was 15 stone and now I'm 14 stone. I need to lose one more stone and then tone up and I'll be ready." Former pizza restaurant worker Kristian Ramsey-Dixon bids to extend his contract at Burton. "I don't think the football team should be there (at the Olympics) in the first place. But sadly in some of the papers that might be overshadowed with what David Beckham had for breakfast maybe - and that is not a great story from our point of view." Dai Greene. Well, what did he have Dai? "I like Per very much, because he is a very intelligent boy and reads the game very well, has a calming influence, a commanding influence." Arsene Wenger fine tunes his stand-up routine. "The price we paid for Andy seems to be a problem for some people, but not us. We are looking at it from the point of view that he cost us minus £15m. That's a good argument against people who say he's replaced a £50m striker." Rumour has it Kenny Dalglish is the support act. "There is no racism, there is maybe one of the players towards another, he has a word or a gesture which is not the correct one. But also the one who is affected by that, he should say that this is a game. We are in a game, and at the end of the game, we shake hands." Sepp Blatter sets football back 30 years. "Tell me I have just read Sepp Blatter's comments on racism in football wrong. If not then I am astonished. I feel stupid for thinking that football was taking a leading role against racism. It seems it was just on mute for a while." Rio Ferdinand leads the calls for Blatter's head. "That sort of behaviour has no place in football. It has no place in society. It is disgusting, a horrible thing to do and I was shocked." Wigan owner Dave Whelan on spitting. "If a white man insults a black man, that's big, big news. If, if, a black man insults a white man, that's nothing, and it's expected. You know I think the players who come and complain sometimes, they're a little bit out of order." Wigan owner Dave Whelan on racism. "Tevez is one bad apple. He can undo all the good work that has been done at City. He's a disgrace to football. He epitomises what the man in the street thinks is wrong with modern football. It is totally unacceptable." Graeme Souness on Carlos Tevez. "He's a footballer and, like the Fleetwood Mac song, players only love you when they're playing and he needs to be playing. To be playing he needs to be fit and to be fit he needs to be training." Gordon Taylor compares Tevez to Stevie Nicks. "The sooner he leaves the country, the better. I can't see it being sorted by him staying. Within a few months, he'll be kissing another badge." Neil Warnock weighs up a loan bid for Carlos Tevez. "Roberto has his style of management. He is very direct and totally different to, let's say, Sir Alex Ferguson or Arsene Wenger. I think every manager handles those situations differently." Kia Joorabchian is right. To be fair, Fergie would regularly say to Tevez: "Hey sweet cheeks, how about a little joggy-woggy before some play time? No worries if you're tired though..." "It's been a fantastic three-and-a-half years. I said all the way through you are very lucky to be involved with top-level international sport. But ultimately you make your decision." Martin Johnson redefines the meaning of 'fantastic'. "PSG play at the Parc des Princes. PSG's enemy is Marseille. When he says that Papin and Cantona should not play and that he should play instead ... he is a b****** because every time Papin or Cantona touched the ball, they were booed." Gerard Houllier just won't let it lie when it comes to David Ginola. "The world has lost a great champion. I will always remember Joe with respect and admiration. My sympathy goes out to his family and loved ones." Muhammad Ali pays his respects to the late Joe Frazier. "When we said to the lads to come in for a warm-down we asked Mason what he was doing. If our lads feel sorry for themselves they should think again, because he's got double science in the morning." Nigel Clough hands a Derby debut to 15-year-old Mason Bennett. "Be careful of the cat. Don't say you have the cat in the sack when you don't have the cat in the sack." Giovanni Trapattoni warns his Republic of Ireland side against complacency. We think. "On current form away from home, we wouldn't beat the Women's Institute. And no disrespect to the WI - I'm sure they have some very fine leg-spinners." Graeme Swann on the 5-0 ODI whitewash in India. "When I was a kid, we had two kittens. I cannot now remember their gender. And we also had a hamster. However, they all disappeared under unclear circumstances." Andrey Arshavin is still getting over it. "One of the best soccer players in the world." Andrew Robinson's description of Milan Jovanovic in a Neighbours episode. "'I didn't know he was so quick', 'I didn't know he could play on his own up front'- you didn't know too many things. If you are a commentator you should know. If not, you [should not be] on TV. I would accept someone saying you didn't know a Liechtenstein player. But Mackail-Smmith? Come on. It's Scotland, we're not talking about a team from the middle of Asia." Gus Poyet critiques Mark Lawrenson's punditry skills. "I have to be on top of my game when they start thinking about who is going to replace Fabio. If I am on top of my game with West Ham United I might get considered." Sam Allardyce. For the love of God, let it go... "It's a form of cheating in international football and a bit embarrassing. The next manager of England should be English." Jamie 'white van man' Carragher. "He's wandering about the airport with his Scotland suit on and a pair of red trainers. All he's missing is a bottle of Iron Bru in his back pocket." Scotland boss Craig Levein on Barry 'Rab C' Bannan. "England need to get on the scoresheet if they want to win." Cutting analysis from Phil Vickery at a point when France were leading England 16-0. He does a lovely coq au vin though. #masterchef "Everything you win is good, the perfect choice, the best choice if you drink or go with women." Fabio Capello lets his hair down. "If you put every foul I've ever made up on television, I think there'd be one tackle which was actually a bad one. It's twice it's happened now with Steven Reid. He's six foot four and he rolls around like a girl, simple as that." Lee Cattermole has been really unlucky in collecting 47 bookings and five red cards since 2005/06. "I don't pick them, they're a bit dodgy but we have to wear them." Gabriel Agbonlahor delights his boot sponsor Nike. "I was so down, crying and contemplating suicide. I was going deeper into depression. I needed something to get my backside into gear and pull my finger out. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to think 'Blimey, Ricky, get a grip'." Ricky Hatton opens up about sport's sombre side. "I really don't know if I will stay involved in the game when I retire. When I started playing football I had only one objective - to become rich quickly and stop football more quickly. It is not my passion, it is just my job but I don't know if after football I will find another job where I feel the same." Benoit Assou-Ekotto would rather work in insurance. "Football is no longer burning inside me like back in the old days. It even takes a great deal of effort for me to play football with my kids in the garden - I now leave it to the babysitter." Zlatan Ibrahimovic, yet another happy multi-millionaire footballer. "Rugby player drinks beer, shocker." Martin Johnson draws a line under his side's quiet night out in New Zealand. "I wasn't nervous. He just said he prefers me as a footballer not a writer." Theo Walcott gets some literary advice from Fabio Capello. "Because of the friction of the pants with the saddle, I am suffering from an injury to the scrotum." Belgian road bike racer Tom Boonen offers way too much information. "I once asked Maldini's father Cesare about him. He looked at me as if I was a madman and that response was enough to understand that the answer would be no." Sir Alex Ferguson turned to Clayton Blackmore after being thwarted in his bid for Paolo Maldini. "I used to have two Drogba jerseys - one to sleep in and another for when I played in the streets with my friends. I had a poster of Didier on the ceiling above my bed and another of Anelka just to the right. I always wore the same shoes as Didier and I subscribed to Chelsea TV to watch these clips they show of training. We have the same hair." Romelu Lukaku. Let's just hope Drogba hasn't seen Single White Female. "I don't want to use the word embarrassing. But it was embarrassing." Toby Flood on England's embarrassing defeat to Wales. "When I was aged 12 or 13, boys would meet their football manager dressed in a blazer or at least a pair of trousers. Now some of them turn up to see me wearing a pair of jeans with their a**e hanging out. They just don't care." Harry Redknapp blames the riots on baggy jeans. "On Friday I said goodbye to him and I got very emotional because he's like a father figure to me. I got a bit emotional and couldn't talk much." Cesc Fabregas finally bids farewell to Arsene Wenger and Arsenal. "Alistair McGowan is the only one who does me better than me. I've heard him. He is quality." Mick McCarthy after someone used a fake Twitter account in his name. "People have basically put the gold medal around my neck already. It's still a year to go and so much can happen, and it's not one of those events like hurdles or something. It's seven events and there are so many things that can go wrong. People don't understand sometimes." Jessica Ennis is already feeling the heat ahead of London 2012. "I had quite a few pints and quite a few glasses of red wine and it all continued until about 30 minutes ago. It's been a very good night." Darren Clarke celebrates his Open win in style. "I don't remember the last time I ate KFC. I haven't had a Guinness for about three months. I party less. I'm allowed out sometimes, but it's no alcohol and back home early to bed. It's the way it has to be, but it sucks." Usain Bolt sacrifices the good things in life. "I have just been unlucky." Paul Scholes on his 90 yellow and four red cards in the Premier League. "Yeah, I'm super happy I lost. Go, women's tennis." Serena Williams after being asked if it is a good thing for the sport that both she and her sister Venus were knocked out of Wimbledon on the same day. "I want to step inside the ring with him and destroy his career. I want to exit the Imtech Arena with his head, his belts and a future fight with his brother Vitali." David Haye before his fight with Wladimir Klitschko. "You know what I'm like before the fight, I give it all the big mouth. I talk the talk and normally I walk the walk. On Saturday night I didn't walk the walk and I'm gutted about that." David Haye after his fight with Wladimir Klitschko. "I never thought about it, except of course, before, when I thought about it." Ashley Cole clears up whether he's ever thought about Real Madrid. "All the green areas on housing estates where people used to have a kickabout have gone. Kids can't play out on the streets at night for reasons I'm not gonna go into on a Sunday morning. And those stupid video games, Playstations, that Facebook stuff, I would love to confiscate them from every household in Great Britain and dump them in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, to get young people off their backsides and out to socialise, actually speak to people, and play sport." Notts County manager Martin Allen gets on his soapbox. "I think it's about time she stopped that nonsense. It's making me throw up. It's disgusting. She'd been writing about it on Twitter all the time. And I was practicing with him before the tournament and my mum was on the side. When we were warming up, I shouted across the net, 'Feli... take a picture with my mum, because she thinks you're beautiful.' She wouldn't." Andy Murray concedes his mother had mixed loyalties ahead of his quarter-final victory over Feliciano Lopez. "She should keep herself quiet and not complain." Arsenal chairman Peter Hill-Wood responds to claims from Lady Nina Bracewell-Smith that the club's board is a chauvinistic old boys' club. Can't think where she got that idea from... "I'd rather wipe my backside with a broken bottle than do it again." A non-plussed John McGuinness at the Isle of Man TT "We might have been a poor team, but we made him a rich man." Freddy Shepherd hits out at Michael Owen's decision to go part-time at Manchester United. "Chelsea players are always bitching against the referees. I really cannot understand that. Just shut the f*** up and focus on playing football. If you want to witness a lot of complaints, you should just go the bakery or something." Robin van Persie - clearly not a fan of dough. "It's an absolute frickin' joke. I've been to see the stewards five times out of six this season. Maybe it's because I'm black. That's what Ali G says." Lewis Hamilton lets rip in an explosive post-Grand Prix interview in Monaco. "All my season was s***. Can I say that? It was not very good, today maybe I play more for the team." Mario Balotelli's rhetorical question on live TV post the FA Cup final. "The only player I was scared of was Vinnie Jones. I was young and it was just the way he looked at me. I don't know if he was acting. I didn't want to find out." Patrick Vieira. He definitely can't act Pat if that answers your query. "I watched Hamlet the other night and, what a shame, they nearly all died in the end. I've never heard so many words make so little sense. It was brilliant, a bit like my interviews." Ian Holloway guests on the Late Review panel in place of Germaine Greer. "Aberdeen were miles better than us. Anyway, I would rather talk about Kate Middleton's dress than how we played - I thought it was magnificent, unlike our performance." Football fashionista Terry Butcher shows his Royalist side. "I've met him at UEFA meetings and his behaviour is faithful to his image: arrogant, haughty, chewing gum and somewhat of a boor." Ottmar Hitzfeld's isn't so sure Jose Mourinho is that special after all. "With Pep's statements we've come to a third group, which is a one person group, who criticises good decisions made by the referee. I've never seen this before." Jose Mourinho stokes the fire ahead of the most eagerly anticipated El Clasico in years. "In this room (press room), he's the f****** chief, the f****** man, the person who knows everything about the world and I don't want to compete with him at all. It's a type of game I'm not going to play because I don't know how." Good to see Pep Guardiola didn't rise to the bait. "If you lose a few games some people call these silly phone-ins and say 'they were rubbish today. They were absolutely useless' when they weren't even at the game, they were listening to it on the radio or out shopping with the wife. I don't listen to them. I turn the radio on and put Magic FM on instead. I don't want to listen to a bunch of idiots. They must have sad lives." Harry Redknapp tunes out. "Sometimes even cheap rabbits can cost money." Roy Hodgson has one of his verbal turns. "If you ask me, I'll take penalties. We've been practising." Harry Redknapp in fine deadpan form ahead of Tottenham's return game with Real Madrid, trailing 4-0 from the first leg. "If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate such a gift they can go to hell. I don't want them to be fans. If they don't understand and don't believe in things I believe in they can go to Chelsea. They can go anywhere else." Mohamed Al Fayed flies off the wall and tells Fulham fans who don't appreciate his Michael Jackson statue to beat it. "I can't wait, because love or loathe him Jacko is one of those iconic figures. I know some fans are grumbling about the statue but I think it is terrific. He was a very special bloke and one of a handful of people I am proud to have been on the planet at the same time as." Ian Holloway is in the front row for Fulham's unveiling of their Michael Jackson statue. "I want to be frozen like Walt Disney and Michael Jackson. I don't want to be buried so I don't need a gravestone. I want to be cremated... but I'm never going to die." Kelly Sotherton. Should you tell her or should I...? "At Arsenal the fans loved me, I think even today they love me." Emmanuel Adebayor is drowned out by the sound of hysterical laughter in North London. "He's done really well to get where he is so I think Andy is focused on his football. I've been with him at Boyzone concerts and he's still never bought me a drink!" Kenny Dalglish makes light of Fabio Capello's musings about Andy Carroll's inclination for a pint. "We were asked to have our photograph taken and we removed our shirts as a tongue-in-cheek joke between friends." Leon Best explains away an impromptu photo shoot with Stephen Ireland after an ill-advised night out. Hey, we've all done it... "I've been, with respect, a better player. I always got picked and played pretty good. So I've not been in that position where my quality of play has been poor and got to me mind-wise." Geoff Boycott, in no way a tiresome reactionary neanderthalic old bore, gives his considered opinion on Michael Yardy's decision to come home from the cricket World Cup with depression. "I've had the chance to think long and hard about it and today I've decided to stand down as captain of the Test team and the one-day team as of now." Ricky Ponting calls time on his role as Australia captain. "I don't like to hear any manager getting hostility. But I'd prefer it to be him than me so, no, to be honest I don't give a flying flute. I can empathise with him, I've been there, but 'sympathy' is not the word. Look it up in the dictionary, it's between sh*t and syphilis." Gerard Houllier won't be crying on Mick McCarthy's shoulder anytime soon. "Joey is not a normal footballer, he is quite eccentric." Newcastle boss Alan Pardew does his best to describe Joey Barton. "Birmingham is a c**p city and I wasn't going to make the effort, especially as I wasn't playing. I don't give a damn for Ireland. Live in Cork? I'd rather shoot myself. I prefer Los Angeles." The good people of Cork and the Midlands form an orderly queue to lend Stephen Ireland said firearm. "If it wasn't me this wouldn't be happening. I'm not a paedophile and I'm not a bank robber. I've done nothing wrong. I'm hurt by it, and it hurts my wife and family. I just want to get it out of the way and move on. It has been difficult to concentrate on the job at times, but I've managed to do it." Harry Redknapp fumes at tax evasion charges brought against him. "I like to pull it out when I score, it's how I celebrated when I scored goals in derby matches in Brazil and Germany as well." Rafinha provides the childish giggle of the day when describing his celebration technique. "I'm appalled by this. Anyone in a position like you or me would have been arrested and put into custody. A two-week fine is just peanuts." Paul Strong, headmaster at the William Farr School where Chelsea intern/cannon fodder Tom Cowan attended, fumes at Ashley Cole. "We don't like them and it's better to say that than be hypocritical. We appreciate our Italian cousins, with whom we share the same quality of life. We appreciate the Celts and their conviviality. But this insular nation, who drape themselves in their flags, their hymns, their chants, their traditions... We all have one thing in common. We don't like the English." France coach Marc Lievremont shows tremendous foresight with regards David Cameron. "I did try and cheat like Tony Cascarino did by going over and having 14 pints of Guinness. Didn't work though." Kevin Nolan admits he looked into the idea of playing for Republic of Ireland. "The first thing that happened when I came is that I was put on a diet. In short, they told me I was too fat." Anders Lindegaard is told to cut out the pies at Old Trafford. "We want to ease Mario back into action. He knew he would not play the full game. Sometimes in training when he misses a chance he holds his knee and then when he scores he doesn't!" Mario Balotelli fails to pull the wool over Roberto Mancini's eyes. "He is a great guy, a great actor and for me it is an honour for him to do a film about my life." Gareth Thomas comes over all Hollywood when told Mickey Rourke will play him in a forthcoming biopic. "Gattuso had a flare-up with Joe Jordan. I don't know why. He obviously hadn't done his homework. He could've picked a fight with somebody else. I know who I'd pick between Joe Jordan and Gennaro Gattuso anyway...Joe all night long. All night long. He's lucky Joe didn't take his teeth out!" Harry Redknapp backs his man in the battle of Milan. "He's not the best of players. He's a little dog. He'll scuttle around but he's well past his sell-buy date." Graeme Souness delivers quite the putdown to Mr Gattuso. "I just saw the ball coming into the box and thought 'Why not?' So I tried it and it went in the top corner. Nine times out of 10 they end up in the stand." Wayne Rooney on scoring that goal in the Manchester derby. "Pele did it in Escape to Victory." A not at all bitter Mike Summerbee can't see what all the fuss is about. "Oh, sorry, I didn't know that, I don't follow football, I'm sorry." William Gallas' response after a journalist pointed out that AC Milan striker Antonio Cassano was in fact cup-tied for the first leg. "I don't enjoy firing people - it's not my style." Milan Mandaric reflects on getting through his 14th manager in 12 years. "There are two kinds of people. When there is a fire some people come with oil to make the fire bigger and some come with the water. I come with water." Avram Grant does his best Oscar Wilde impersonation. "I went to cinema at 4pm to watch The King's Speech. When I came out and saw what happened, I nearly had a stutter too!" Steve Bruce on deadline day. "Gotta say if Sky Sports News went pay per view on the last day of transfer window I'd pay and get my popcorn + ice cream out all day!" Rio Ferdinand gives the Sky Sports big-wigs something to think about. "Didier Drogba's had malaria, so he's not 100 per cent fit for whatever reason." Glad Glenn Hoddle's not my doctor. "I got some sweets and the next thing I felt someone pull my overcoat. There are two guys on their knees in front of me and they've got my trousers and they keep pulling them. I'm pushing them away but while I'm doing that they're rifling my pockets." Harry Redknapp has his sweets nicked in Madrid. "There is no chance I would ever consider having all my hair cut off. My hair is my life. It's so important to me. If you cut off my hair, it is like cutting out my heart or cutting off my legs. I would cry for days and days." Anderson gets things in perspective. "It is a crappy place. The town is tiny, and there is no atmosphere. I go in to training, I return home afterwards, and that is all I do." Mohamed Diame does his bit for Wigan's tourist board. Before adding his coup de grace: "It is a myth to claim that all English women are ugly. But I won't lie, it is rare to see truly beautiful girls when you go out during the day." "That's why I'm playing with this tape on my shin. It looked so cute but once it started scratching me I was a coward and ran away." Caroline Wozniacki proves false accusations she's boring in press conferences by making up a story about being attacked by a kangaroo. Definitely not boring, maybe a little.... "He (Mourinho) is the best coach in the world but, as a man, he still has to learn manners. Roberto Mancini's the most important coach I've ever had. He'll soon become the No 1 in the world. But already, in terms of human qualities, he is two kilometres ahead of Mourinho. Wait, make that 10km." Balotelli has a word of advice for Jose Mourinho. "I think for many years I think he's been the 'gutter' type of boy. I was going to call him a sewer rat, but that might insult the sewer rats. I think he's the lowest of the low." Warnock compares Diouf to Splinter from the Ninja Turtles. "This lad Johnson - I say he's fragile but it's like Boris Johnson bowling at times." David Lloyd offers his assessment of Mitchell Johnson's performance in the Ashes series. "I think people know what they're getting and what's in the package with Kenny Dalglish, they know they'll get honesty and a great deal of commitment." Kenny Dalglish puts his manager's hat back on and slips into third person without missing a beat. "My dad came in with me initially and he is a big bloke of around 20 stone. The chairman's first words were 'We'll sign the fat one instead.' My dad replied he had been on a diet for six weeks, to which the chairman said, 'Well that diet certainly isn't working, is it?' Dad is quite quick-witted and said back, 'Well I don't know what your excuse is.'" Andy O'Brien explains Ken Bates' unique negotiation technique at Leeds United. "They should rename it Tw*tter - and anybody on it should be renamed. Too many tweets make a t***." Mick McCarthy's not a big fan of Tw*tter, sorry Twitter. "Freddie Ljungberg is a very famous player and I like his underwear. I have a lot of Calvin Klein underwear at home, maybe I'll show him." Cha Du-Ri jeopardizes Freddie Ljungberg's move to Celtic. "My career is done. Over there, salaries are nowhere near what they are in Europe, except for superstars such as Henry and Beckham. I am a defensive midfielder, I am almost 34. I will not be the one selling shirts." Footballer in self-awareness shock as former Manchester City midfielder Ousmane Dabo admits he's a bit crap these days upon moving to the MLS. "What's happening? F*** all and it's starting to wind me up!! Sort it out Harry for f*** sake." David Bentley's missus Kimberley has a go at being a football agent on Twitter. Bet he thanked her for that. Joey loves a quote... "Him and his fat mate should be sh*tting it if I decide to write a book. There'll be no holding back on those two muppets." Joey Barton v Newcastle round 46. "The manager was different class but I wouldn't want to go back and work for those two cretins. Ashley is the Ayatollah. Nothing happens without his say." Barton compares Mike Ashley to an Ayatollah, who are traditionally 'experts in Islamic studies such as jurisprudence, ethics, and philosophy and usually teach in Islamic seminaries'. Apparently jurisprudence is massive down the Bigg Market these days. "Kelvin Henry - he loves it, doesn't he? Always sticking his foot in and trying to hurt people. Why doesn't he do it when it is 0-0 in the game? He is chirping up all week saying he is going to do x,y and z to me and then he lets himself down massively by not even turning up on Saturday afternoons." Joey keeps a low profile. "Joey Barton was telling everyone on the pitch he is on 80 grand a week. That is him. I think he riles a few people when he says those things and tells everybody how great he is. It is just embarrassing really. If that is what he wants to do, he can carry on but that is why a lot of people dislike him. He's on 10 grand a week more than last season, he tells me." Karl Henry puts in two-footed verbal assault of his own.