Harry Redknapp, Joey Barton and Thierry Henry all make cameo appearances in this week's edition.
Who's been saying what in a sporting week of verbal sparring?
"The January window drives you mad. You get phone calls from agents without a clue, offering you useless players. If you do happen to answer by mistake, you would say 'We are in the Premier League, not the Southern League. You are ringing the wrong manager'. It is unreal."
Harry 'yeah, he's a good player'
Redknapp would in no way stoke rumours started by unscrupulous agents.
"I've now been fired by Burton Albion, Notts County, Plymouth, Oldham Athletic and Queens Park Rangers. They say it is a results business. It is, but only up to a point. At three of those clubs, including QPR, I'd won promotion."
Neil Warnock is ushered out of the exit door at Loftus Road.
"Easy to call me an idiot. But it's harder to make decisions. [It] may be the wrong one and I'll be the idiot and I'll go but at least I'll stand up and be counted." QPR owner
Tony Fernandes in response to criticism of his decision.
"It's kind of weird. I came back from holiday 15 days ago. I never thought I was going to play for Arsenal again or score a winner. I don't know what to say. I love the club and I hope I can do more. I rejoined the club as a fan; before I wasn't."
Thierry Henry shuns Arsenal's masters side to make an emotional Emirates return.
"If Henry is still in the Arsenal team when we play them next month we'll have to bring back Graham Roberts or Paul Miller out of retirement to kick him."
Harry Redknapp makes contingency plans.
"I've been pretty clear since I stopped playing that I miss it. I'm delighted the manager feels I can still make a contribution to the team and I'm looking forward to playing my part in trying to bring more success to this great club."
Paul Scholes digs out his boots. And inhaler.
"It was a bit of a shock to be honest. We didn't know until we were in the dressing room. It's great. It'll give everyone a lift. Everyone knows what a fantastic player he is and I thought he showed his quality when he came on."
Wayne Rooney budges up in the dressing room.
"I told David Platt he was now on the bench."
Roberto Mancini's typically dry response to the news.
"Haha Matt Holland best not of been using my name in vain on a sh*tty radio talkshow. Remember playing against him, well when I say playing... Sh*t players talking sh*t the bain of my life. Go and live life away from football, stop being so bitter, twisted and sad. Its boring. Tell him to pipe down. If he was relevant, I'd probably give him a bit. Trying to keep his face in, has to talk about someone."
Joey Barton puts his black kettle through every window in his house after Matt Holland had the temerity to voice an opinion.
"Many thanks for all your kind words and support this evening. I genuinely appreciate it and am certainly not interested in getting into any twitter row. And by the way was extremely proud and honoured to represent Ireland and wear the green shirt with pride."
Holland's more dignified response.
"I have worked out that I probably love about 12 people in the world, I like about 35, I don't mind about 100, the rest of u, well can jog on." We're already jogging
Joey, we're already jogging.
"This engagement obliges me to speak, more earnestly than usual, but also with a keen sense of my responsibility, at a time when our country faces difficult choices which will be decisive for its future."
Eric Cantona announces plans to usurp Nicolas Sarkozy. We'd vote for you Eric...
"Manny Pacquiao I'm calling you out, let's fight May 5th and give the world what they want to see. My jail sentence was pushed back because the date was locked in. Step up punk."
Floyd Mayweather engages in the art of 'trash talk' on Twitter.
"I am 21 years old and have spent almost two years away from home. I have adapted quite well, despite the huge cultural differences. But I have no real friends here. If I had to move, right now, I would choose Italy. If I buy a Fiat Uno, I read that a guy like me would be more suited to a Ferrari. If I buy the Ferrari, I read that I should have been more down to earth and bought the Uno. If I laugh, I'm not serious; if I don't laugh, I'm a sulky rich guy who doesn't enjoy doing the best job in the world. Here in England the tabloid press writes about absolutely everything, and always exaggerates. But the thing that gives me most trouble is that in Italy the tabloids talk rubbish without a shred of truth to it. So many Italians take everything at face value."
Mario Balotelli opens his heart. We prefer it when he sets off fireworks.
"Our supporters are renowned throughout the world for their outstanding commitment, passion and fairness. They are drawn from nationalities across the globe with widely diverse backgrounds and heritages. The actions of any one individual do not represent our fans. Their stance on these issues is just as resolute as the club's."
Liverpool issue an apology to Tom Adeyemi after the Oldham midfielder was subjected to racist abuse at Anfield.
"I don't think Suarez is a racist. He made a mistake? Probably, yes. It is important to say, 'I am sorry, I made a mistake, I apologise for this and I accept the charge'. I have heard everything said against me and I have said some things - but not important things like racist words."
Roberto Mancini says an apology to Patrice Evra wouldn't go amiss either.
"I'm afraid there is no question that the club's approach has stoked this affair, and there is now a highly charged atmosphere around the issue. The Suarez T-shirts surely no longer have a place at Anfield. This has done a lot of damage to Liverpool FC and in many people's eyes to English football."
Piara Powar, executive director of European anti-racism network FARE, calls on Liverpool not to turn Luis Suarez into a martyr.
"They say there's a release clause in his contract, that's what we all hear." Harry Redknapp helpfully lets slip details of
Demba Ba's contract.
"I was having a quiet drink with my dad Colin on Christmas Eve 2006 and as we made our way home I started crying my eyes out. I told him I'd tried my best but that I couldn't do it any more, I couldn't keep playing. We talked and, of course, I dusted myself down and carried on. But I was never the same player again."
Andrew Flintoff has admitted suffering depression during the 2006-07 Ashes in Australia.
"I like to start off in the morning with a urine test, testing the nutritional value of breakfast, that kind of thing."
Sam Allardyce. More of a tea and toast man myself.
