Tim Vine

Challenging Gazza at crazy golf and working at Wembley, comedian Tim Vine talks Football Firsts.

Challenging Paul Gascoigne to a crazy golf tournament, a Los Angeles TV game-show pilot, and working as a Wembley steward. Comedian Tim Vine gives skysports.com his fantastic Football Firsts

It would have been rude to earn an interview with the renowned king of the comedy one-liners and not ask for a few jokes from the world of football. Tim Vine was happy to oblige. "This bloke said to me, 'can you tell your availability to run a football team in Sheffield?'... I said,'I can't manage Wednesday'." "I was playing football on an aeroplane. It was amazing, I was running up the wing..." The above provide just a sample of the unique, gag-a-minute stand-up material of Vine, who on 1st April will begin his much-anticipated 'The Joke-amotive' tour. Having already enjoyed a sold-out 44-date UK tour in his career and a critically-acclaimed run at the 2010 Edinburgh festival, the star of television's 'Not Going Out' is famous for his joke-telling ability and his award-winning witticisms. But comedy is just one of Vine's loves. Football is also a passion and skysports.com could not help but laugh when listening to stories of challenging Paul Gascoigne to a crazy golf tournament and piloting a TV game-show in Los Angeles called 'Beat the Chimp'.

England/West Ham

I think it says on Wikipedia that I support Man United. How on earth did they get that? Really, I know this sounds daft, I follow it all. But I support England. I've got two seats at Wembley for England home games. Obviously it is a little bit of a disappointment having to support them! But they are the ones that I feel like I can totally buy into, that I really want to win. I think it is because I was never taken to football by my Dad. He was never into football. If you are taken to a club by your Dad when you are six or seven, that is your club. I have just never really been into choosing a club. Although, when I was at school in Banstead, I had a West Ham bag. I was 10 and I always thought my team was West Ham. If you had asked me at the time who was playing for West Ham, I couldn't have answered. That wasn't the point, I had a West Ham bag. It was claret and blue, it was a sports bag that was very popular in the 1970s, a forerunner of the man bag.

Wimbledon v Liverpool - FA Cup final, 14/5/1988

This will surprise you. When I was about 18, I had a job as a steward at Wembley Stadium. I was paid £13 to watch Wimbledon beat Liverpool in 1988! I was at the Liverpool end as well, so it was a bit quiet up there, but that was an amazing experience. I was never quite sure what the point was in me being there. You were told to stand in amongst the fans and then you watched the game. You had to wear a high-visibility vest and someone would let off one of those fog horns in your ear every now and again, and that seemed to be it. Another one, when I was down at pitch level, was the League Cup final between Arsenal and Luton in 1988. Martin Hayes scored for Arsenal, but they lost 3-2 after leading 2-1. (singing) 'Martin Hayesy, he's so lazy', I remember all the songs.

Paul Gascoigne

He still gets mentioned in articles because there has been no-one who has come near what he could do in terms of his creativity and particularly his dribbling. He was like George Best, but in a slightly more modern game. To me, he was probably the best footballer of all time. Although, if someone put a gun to my head, I would have to admit that Diego Maradona could probably do more at his peak. I am still very much a fan of Gazza these days. I sent him my stand-up DVD, I don't know whether that has helped him (laughing). I wrote to him and, because he probably still has that competitive edge, but has nowhere to put it, challenged him to a crazy golf tournament. I said that we could play 18 different courses around the country and that if he did not get back to me I would assume he was afraid of losing. I was trying to wind him up into getting back in touch, but he never did.

Vinnie Jones

It is slightly later, but the 1980s was when I was first properly getting into football. It is not that I did not like Vinnie Jones, he just definitely seemed mean. He had the face to go with attitude. I remember thinking at the time that he would be great in films... I was wrong. But he was the person who lived up to his face.

Arsenal 0 Ipswich 1, FA Cup final 1978

I was at a friend's house in 1978 and Bobby Robson's Ipswich were winning the FA Cup on television. I remember in the last few minutes, the swaying mass of fans. The cups have lost something these days. I think when it is the likes of Manchester United, Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool in the final all the time, it does not have the same magic. It might be better this season with Bolton or Stoke. You can tell how much it matters to their fans.

Aberdour School

I cannot even remember kicking the ball. I remember running up and down the pitch and not being interested. I got into playing football when I was in my 20s after I left school. I think it is partly because my schools were more into rugby. When I had a normal job, about 20 years ago, in an insurance company in an office in Croydon, I used to play in an insurance league with my mate. It was me and him up front. We were always up front, no matter what. The guy who was reading out positions would always go (adopting an Cockney accent), 'Err, Salt 'n' Pepper up front' or 'Batman 'n' Robin up front'. He would always do something like that. I got 26 goals in one season. I was only interested in scoring goals. There was a classic joke that I never passed. I was also playing for a Sunday League team at the time called PSV Greenacres and we went for an end-of-season curry. When we had the poppadoms, the sauces were being handed around. They got to me and suddenly 20 people around the table shouted, 'PASS!'.

England 1998/'Beat the Chimp'

Again, this would be quite late on. I remember getting the full England kit in 1998. During the World Cup, I was in Los Angeles doing a pilot for a game-show called 'Beat the Chimp' (YouTube the second you finish reading this article). The game show did not take off, one of the contestants was a monkey. Supposedly, the monkey could win! Anyway, I took the England kit with me to America and wore it when I got up at 7.30am to sit in a hotel room and watch England's first group game against Tunisia.

Janet Brown

She used to do Margaret Thatcher impressions in the 1980s. I saw her at the Ashcroft Theatre in Croydon. I also remember going to see American comedian Steven Wright. He used to do one-liners like, 'you can't have everything... where would you put it?'. I've also seen Jackie Mason about three times with my Dad. For 'The Joke-amotive' tickets and more information, visit www.timvine.com