Quotes of the week

A week of verbal sparring has thrown up some priceless soundbites with Pep Guardiola on form.

"With Pep's statements we've come to a third group, which is a one person group, who criticises good decisions made by the referee. I've never seen this before." Jose Mourinho stokes the fire ahead of the most eagerly anticipated El Clasico in years. "In this room (press room), he's the f****** chief, the f****** man, the person who knows everything about the world and I don't want to compete with him at all. It's a type of game I'm not going to play because I don't know how." Good to see Pep Guardiola didn't rise to the bait. "We look after him in terms of rest before games but when he gets that freshness he doesn't show any sign of fatiguing at all. He is an amazing man." Sir Alex Ferguson suffers a dose of man-love when quizzed on Ryan Giggs. "I am trying to find somewhere to kip. I don't like these posh hotels. I don't want nothing flash. If you know anyone, it's for me and my dog Monty who is a very good boy. I need somewhere, preferably on the south side of Nottingham to kip, have a bit of food maybe and kind of be a dosser who will keep himself to himself, who works long hours. Very polite and well mannered, friendly, funny, kind, caring, occasionally mad. If anyone can help, please contact the club." Martin Allen. No words needed. "If you lose a few games some people call these silly phone-ins and say 'they were rubbish today. They were absolutely useless' when they weren't even at the game, they were listening to it on the radio or out shopping with the wife. I don't listen to them. I turn the radio on and put Magic FM on instead. I don't want to listen to a bunch of idiots. They must have sad lives." Harry Redknapp tunes out. "Next time I will not shake his hand either. I'm generous with my family and friends but I am spiteful as well." Samir Nasri genuinely seems to hate former team-mate William Gallas. "I do not honestly know what is really happening in Libya at the moment but it must be very hard for Gaddafi and his family." El-Hadji Diouf comes round after his lobotomy. "Don't ask me about that. It's called humour, all right? Don't distract away from my team's performance. Don't even write about it. You have the photographs, I'm sure, but it is just a bit of fun. I don't want to distract from my team's performance today." Neil Lennon puts into perspective cupping his ears to having a bomb sent in the post. "It's 24/7. I was off on Wednesday and turned off my phone. Isn't that how you should relax? Couple of beers, game of golf, switch the phone off and throw it in a drawer. But you can't get away from it. All the time I'm focused on how to win against Wigan on Saturday." Steve Bruce on life in the dugout/trench. "You have to show your teeth, come out fighting & hope people around you have the same kind of b*******." Bruce comes out fighting. "It annoys me and I am looking to stop it. I know Facebook seems to be a good platform for people, but I have no business on it." Thomas Hitzlsperger is not happy about having three Doppelgangers on Facebook. "If we win the Scudetto I'll dance the moonwalk dressed like Michael Jackson, maybe on the pitch." Kevin-Prince Boateng digs out his leather strides and single white glove. "Sometimes even cheap rabbits can cost money." Roy Hodgson has one of his verbal turns. "I kept working and it's thanks to all my team-mates that I scored. There's less pressure for me now, now I can enjoy it." Fernando Torres gets the monkey/gorilla/King Kong off his back after finally breaking his Chelsea duck. "Henson has had an attitude which has been difficult to manage." Toulon president Mourad Boudjellel suspends proverbial pain in the derriere Gavin Henson. Still, more time for the sunbed now... "I think he's just a bit of a big mouth. He doesn't really want to say much on it. He just says it off it." Karl Henry threatens to flatten motor-mouth Danny Murphy. "You can love Savage or loathe him - a bit like me really. But he's done well to make a living with the ability he's got. He is long past his sell-by date." Neil Warnock, for once, speaks eminent good sense. "It's a sad day for me if I start admitting I'm pleased to make the quarter-finals. I might as well turn it in." Ronnie O'Sullivan does us all a favour by putting in a shift at the baize. "I've just been upstairs and nearly broken down in front of the supporters because I hold myself responsible for the relegation - end of story." Phil Brown gets emotional following Preston's relegation. "I'll fight him anywhere that's got a ring and a referee who can count to 10. He will freeze like an iceberg when I hit him on the chin, panic, attempt to run for cover and his big brother will be mopping up the tears with a white towel." David Haye ramps up the hype ahead of his world heavyweight boxing unification fight against Wladimir Klitschko. "I'm extremely touched by all the messages and by the reaction of people throughout the world of football. It has been overwhelming actually." Gerard Houllier thanks his well-wishers after being admitted to hospital with chest pains. "I was hit by a bar stool and suffered a pretty bad cut. I think I lost about two pints of blood. I needed at least 10 stitches. It was pretty scary." Wales international Andy Powell gets involved in a bar brawl with QPR fans. "There is no doubt that turf wars have damaged English football and the FA is probably in a weaker spot than any other FA in Europe - probably the result of the overwhelming power of professional football especially as expressed by the Premier League and Football League." Uefa official William Gaillard brands the FA lily livered. "Do I want to go to United? It's a beautiful club." Wesley Sneijder kicks off a summer of speculation - in April. Before Pepe Reina jumps in: "I am not going to Manchester, that is not my intention."