Jose Mourinho ups the ante on Chelsea and QOW hero Carlo Ancelotti solves a lost property search.
Who's been saying what in a sporting week of verbal sparring
As Chelsea prepare to face Inter Milan in the UEFA Champions League, Jose Mourinho ups the ante and QOW star Carlo Ancelotti solves a lost property search. Shoaib Malik states the obvious and Liam Gallagher
shhhiiinnnes (sorry) as an example of polite behaviour to Manchester City, while Shakhtar Donetsk impersonate Lady Sovereign.
"I find little things really sweet. Like when my husband says something lovely on the answering machine. Or when he runs me a bath."
Cheryl Cole spills the beans on significant other Ashley's passionate side. A telephone message and turning a tap. And they say romance is dead.
"I'll have to watch my P's and Q's commentating on the best ladies in the world! I won't get away with one of my old lines: 'If Emily Pankhurst had been able to throw darts like that, there would have been no need to tie herself to the railings...' Sky's
Sid Waddell gives a new twist on 'Votes for Women'.
"Only washing machines come with guarantees." Never mind facing Fiorentina, Bayern Munich captain
Mark van Bommel auditions for a role in the next Calgon commercial.
"Listen, I'm still a mathematics student in university. I haven't taken this sport seriously yet." We dare you to call light-heavyweight boxer
Nathan Cleverly a nerd.
"I know what he has left at Chelsea, even his coat in the club's museum."
Ancelotti solves the mystery of Mourinho's missing Armani.
"Ancelotti is no friend of mine and this won't change." The lost property issue rumbles on as
Mourinho shows trademark diplomacy.
"If you start f***ing about with people like that, it gives us a bad name."
Gallagher gives his beloved
Man-ches-taaaar Citeee a lecture on manners regarding their sacking of Mark Hughes. The Oasis frontman then reportedly went on to push a woman posing as a live Brit awards statue off a four-foot podium to leave her with a twisted ankle.
"As cricketers, we didn't play well on the Australia tour." Pakistan all-rounder
Malik submits his early entry for Understatement of the Year after a thrashing Down Under.
"We were a golfer with a great drive and nothing else. And we had the yips." Middlesbrough boss
Gordon Strachan thinks his side should stick to the pitch-and-putt after selling Adam Johnson.
"Portsmouth's an island - people forget that. There's only two bridges which attach us to the mainland, and there is an island mentality that 'this is our club'."
Linvoy Primus suggests geography is an ace up Pompey's sleeve. Safe to say the former defender won't become an accountant.
"Our relationship has never been knocked down. We're just so in love."
John Terry regarding his wife Toni. Ahhhh. Someone pass the bucket.
"We were lucky - we had a sugar daddy." Fulham boss
Roy Hodgson makes Mohamed Al Fayed sound like Woody Allen.
"The staff said that the group of customers was too big and suspicious. All of them were wearing similar tracksuits. The players explained that this was the football team and they had no habit of taking tuxedos to the training camp to go shopping."
Al Fayed earns another mention as a spokesperson for Shakhtar Donetsk explains why the Ukrainians were reportedly refused entry to Harrods.
Next week... Manchester United are turfed out of Harvey Nics for dressing like Lady Sovereign.
"It doesn't interest me who my captain and my soldiers go to bed with. I only care about the ideas they wake up with in the morning."
Ancelotti is at it again.
"It was a massive difference to playing against Brighton. Everyone is fit, stronger and more knowledgeable upstairs." Aston Villa's
Fabian Delph notices a step up in class when playing against United. Now there's insight.
