Jon Holmes delves into Europe's pool of talent to find some star men who are, er, lounging by the pool instead of playing at Euro 2008.
Jon Holmes delves into Europe's pool of talent to find some star men who are, er, lounging by the pool instead of playing at Euro 2008.
Having gotten over England's absence from this summer's footballing jamboree in Austria and Switzerland, my thoughts briefly turned to the other national teams for whom Euro 2008 will trigger a collective sigh.
Scotland can certainly have as much right to feel aggrieved at being sidelined from the festivities - their qualifying 'double' over France deserved more reward - while one more point each would have put Norway and Bulgaria into the finals instead of Turkey and Holland respectively.
With this in mind, I've put together a 'Best of the Rest XI' and five substitutes - simply to shine a light on those for whom the tournament will constitute little more than flicking through the newspaper on a private beach in the Caribbean, or a glance up at the widescreen plasma in a luxury Mediterranean villa. Spare a thought for these poor souls; they deserve our sympathy. Come on, wipe those tears away now and celebrate the nearly men of Euro 2008 (all of whom will be familiar to fans of English clubs)...
Goalkeeper: Shay Given (Republic of Ireland). Shay Given will be relaxing with wife Jane Given and their son Shayne Given this summer. Imaginative parents. The Givens also have a little girl Given called Sienna Given. Shay Given's got an injured groin so will probably just be putting his feet up, he says he might throw a barbecue or go camping if the weather stays nice.
Defender: Sami Hyypia (Finland). Big Sami - a thoroughly nice chap. I once bumped into him on Bold Street in Liverpool, his wife was in a furniture store so he'd stepped outside because he was "bored" (direct quote). She's called Susanna by the way, and they have two sons Rico and Kasper. The Hyypias favour a traditional British seaside holiday and will be off to Skegness, where they enjoy browsing the saucy postcards.
Defender: Nemanja Vidic (Serbia). Nemanja is still necking vodka in Moscow following Manchester United's Champions League win and has no plans to watch the Euros. He's married to Ana Ivanovic! Actually it's not that one, but a different Ana Ivanovic. She's probably a bit of a stunner too I expect. The Vidics and son Luka are very fond of Center Parcs at Longleat, and spend hours watching the camels.
Defender: Martin Laursen (Denmark). Martin will be returning to his summer job of lumberjack in Farvang and will watch the odd game with the lads, a pint of Carlsberg in one hand and a rasher of bacon in the other, like the good Danish stereotype that he is.
Midfielder: Yossi Benayoun (Israel). Yossi was once featured on MTV Cribs showing off his pad to Harry Kewell's missus, of celebrities-eat-insects-in-jungle 'fame'. That may sound tedious, but considering the other crib on show belonged to Jordi Cruyff, Yossi came across as quite an interesting bloke. This year, he and wife Mirat are staying at home because they don't want to extend their carbon footprints any further. Hooray for the Benayouns!
Midfielder: Steven Gerrard (England). Readers of Alex Curran's shopping column in the Daily Mirror will now know what colour Speedos she has bought for hubby Stevie G MBE to wear on the beach this summer. Steven actually prefers boardies but has been told not to interfere in Alex's career.
Midfielder: James McFadden (Scotland). Faddy and wife Gillian have two kids - two-year-old James junior and Emily, who's only a few months old. James senior is only going to watch the France games in the hope that any replays of his stunning Parc des Princes goal will lead to a sharp exit from Birmingham City.
Midfielder: Morten Gamst Pedersen (Norway). Morten and his real-life pop band of fellow footballers - called The Players (took them ages to think of the name) - are gearing up for a busy festival season, although they only have one song so expect a short Sunday headline set at Glastonbury this year.
Midfielder: Alexander Hleb (Belarus). Alex's agent has to ensure his client is linked with a transfer away from Arsenal at least three times a day this summer, or he gets severely beaten. Alex's wife is called Anastasia and she is in a pop band called 'Topless'. Alex is a very lucky man.
Striker: David Healy (Northern Ireland). David is undergoing revolutionary treatment in a bid to work out why he's prolific with his country but so crap for Fulham. One man has offered to help by shouting at Healy, pulling ridiculous faces and discussing his sex life with strangers. "I have huge respect for Jeremy Kyle," said Healy. "He really cares for people."
Striker: Dimitar Berbatov (Bulgaria). Dimi is currently dating Tedi Velikosa, a surgically-enhanced model who dreams of becoming an archaeologist. At the moment she thinks Machu Picchu makes expensive shoes but Dimi's promised to take her to Stonehenge this summer so at least that's a start.
Substitutes: Andriy Shevchenko (Ukraine). Waiting nervously for news of Chelsea's new coach; Sam Ricketts (Wales). Riding his horse through Hull in celebration; Hermann Hreidarsson (Iceland). Looking after his brood of kids; Carl Hoefkens (Belgium). Staring lovingly at his stunning wife Vanessa; Marton Fulop (Hungary). Sitting down with a nice cup of tea, having been at six different clubs in the last three years.
Now we just need a manager, and there's no one more suitable than Giampaolo Mazza. He's spent 10 years in charge of San Marino and has yet to win a game - but when there's no hope, there's no expectation so Mazza can at least say he has delivered consistently for a decade. In addition, San Marino's population of around 31,000 (slightly less than my home town of Barnstaple in north Devon) endeared themselves to the UK the other week by voting for us in the Eurovision Song Contest - only Ireland did the same.
So let's raise a glass to Mazza, the Sanmarinese and our 16 nearly men. Enjoy your holidays, and allow us to focus on the important business at hand - supporting teams and players based on skill, passion or ineptitude. I can't wait for some Czech defender to trip over his own feet in the box, give away a penalty and get sent off and then we'll finally have something to cheer about...
