Blackburn v Newcastle

Sarah Gerth / Jermaine Jones (Blackburn)

After several humanitarian charities called the site to request an end to the weekly humiliation of Mr and Mrs Salgado we are pleased to announce that the January transfer window has reaped rich dividends for Blackburn. Steve Kean promised big name signings upon taking the reins at Ewood Park and he has duly delivered with the acquisition of Sarah Gerth, wife of new boy Jermaine Jones. In truth, we're not too interested in what Jones brings to the table (he's a midfielder if you're interested...yawn) but we are excited by Gerth, who can count a Miss Germany 2005 title amongst her domestic honours. Given Blackburn have a record that reads 23 defeats from 23 appearances they've got it all to do if they are to fend off the drop but in Gerth and Jones, they've given themselves a fighting chance.

Joey Barton / Amanda Harrington (Newcastle United)

Our scouting team in the North East had a tough time finding a suitably glamorous couple for the Magpies but sources close to the club have revealed bad boy Joey Barton has courted Harrington in the past. The Scouse duo have been spotted stepping out, with Harrington - a former Miss Liverpool at just 16 - certainly not a shy one. She shot to fame, or infamy if you'd prefer, by winning Nuts' Bedroom Babes competition and is a regular in the types of mags that like to keep written content to a minimum. Her calendar has reportedly sold close on 7,000 copies in the UK alone, while she's also proven a hit in America having appeared in two episodes of the Girls of the Playboy Mansion. Harrington's ultimate ambition is to emulate uber-WAG Abbey Clancy by donning next to nowt in Sports Illustrated. Oh, we forgot to mention Barton...he's the midfielder with a rap sheet longer than Snoop Dog's.