Terry Alderton

'The mad Mark Bosnich' and casting Perry Groves as a villain. Terry Alderton explains his Football Firsts.

Working with 'the mad Mark Bosnich', casting Perry Groves as a villain and taking inspiration from... Bobby Davro. Terry Alderton explains his Football Firsts

Terry Alderton provides a rare occurrence for Football Firsts - a fan who signed professional terms with his boyhood club. The comedian, who has appeared on 'Michael McIntyre's Comedy Road Show' and is currently touring the nation, has been a lifelong Southend United supporter, but he has also had the privilege of putting pen to paper at Roots Hall. A goalkeeping appearance in Sky 1's 'The Match' in 2004 led to an unexpected contract with the Shrimpers and allowed Alderton to fulfil a dream. The thought of a Perrier Award-nominated stand-up appearing on Sky Sports News might seem a little far fetched, however, it was reality. How did Alderton's love of Southend develop? What was it like working with 'the mad Mark Bosnich'? How much of an inspiration was... Bobby Davro? Skysports.com was happy to listen to the answers

Southend United

There are two stories behind it. My Nan lives in Southend and my Uncle Harry used to go and watch them play when I was a small child. All I remember was him coming home and going, 'Bloody rubbish'. It was either watching the dogs or Southend. It was only later in life that I realised what he meant. The other reason was that the club were asking for ball-boys. They pulled eight names out of a hat and me and my friend, James, didn't get picked. As disappointed 12-year-olds, we decided to hop on the train and took ourselves down to Southend to watch instead.

Pat Jennings

I was a goalkeeper and I happened to meet Jennings by chance. I remember his big hands, these legendary big hands. The other is Ray Clemence, but probably Jennings was my first. I was about 10 or 11 when I met him. For some reason he was in the town that I lived in and my Mum and Dad knew he was going to be there. It was a signing event and we got to shake hands.

Perry Groves

He scored a hat-trick for Colchester against Southend and he just stood there gloating with his ginger hair. I was standing there thinking, 'You ginger b*****d'. It sounds terrible, but he was like that rough kid at school who would bend your fingers back and there he was scoring three goals. He is probably a lovely bloke, he was a great footballer, but he sticks in my mind.

Gola football boots

I don't know why or how, but I had these hand-me-down Gola football boots. Gola has since had a bit of a trendy phase, but at the time they were minging. They had bright orange stripes. They were about two sizes too big, that old story, two pairs of socks. My Mum knew that I was crazy about football so she took me down to what would eventually be my school for football training, but I was only about five. I was too young, but they let me play.

Southend United

I did a Youth Training Scheme. I would like to say that while I was there I got a really bad knee injury or something, but the truth is that I was c**p. I played in 'The Match' on Sky 1 in 2004. It was celebrities against football legends. It was a load of wannabes, but it was exciting. Celebrity and all of that, without trying to sound too cool for school, I can't stand it. But when someone asks you, 'Do you want to do this show for a week and you will end up playing in front of 50,000 people at St James' Park against Gazza and Peter Beardsley?', you kind of go, 'D'you know what? Yeah'. At the end of the match, everyone disappeared and I was left with, at the time, the mad Mark Bosnich. I was substitute goalkeeper and when Bosnich came off I went on to replace him. I heard this kid shouting. He said, 'Hey, Terry. You're a funny man, but a s**t goalkeeper'. I re-signed for Southend after 'The Match' when they needed a goalkeeper, and they also thought it would be a decent bit of publicity. It was amazing. I was on Sky Sports News when I was signing! Someone told me afterwards that there had been 500/1 odds for any player from 'The Match' to sign professional terms. I could have had a moody bet for someone!

Crystal Palace

This was my mum trying to be sweet, she bought me the Crystal Palace shirt. It was a white shirt with blue and red stripes. My mum wouldn't have known what she was doing, but it was alright, it was a football shirt. It was probably cheap, in the sale. I've got all the Southend home shirts in a cupboard at home. One day, if I ever crack it and I'm a millionaire, I think I'll have them on a wall in a snooker room. I once did a TV pilot down at Southend. When I was there, they had loads of old shirts. I picked up a No.9 and I was going, 'This is Stan's (Collymore) shirt'. I was driving home with it, I kind of nicked it, and I was thinking, 'Hold on a second, Stan was No.10'. So that'll teach me. What goes around, comes around.

Bobby Davro

I was only about 18 and my agent at the time worked with Davro. My agent said, 'Why don't you come and watch Davro and you might learn a few things?'. I'm not into what he talks about, but, the audience that he plays to, he does a brilliant job. He is a great performer. Terry Alderton is currently touring the UK. For tickets and more information, visit www.terryalderton.com